1
00:00:01,262 --> 00:00:03,481
<i>Summertime blows me away</i>

2
00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:06,963
<i>And summertime I can't stay</i>

3
00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:08,573
<i>It's not sensible</i>

4
00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:10,358
<i>But I'm desperate</i>

5
00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:12,751
<i>I'm a part of it...</i>

6
00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,016
<i>What a find</i>

7
00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:17,626
<i>I can't stay</i>

8
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,062
<i>It's inevitable</i>

9
00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:20,977
<i>Though I can't let go</i>

10
00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:23,414
<i>I will never know</i>

11
00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:26,330
<i>Oh, baby</i>

12
00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:30,117
<i>Why does all this
get the best of me;</i>

13
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:33,859
<i>September comes
and I am too hot to say</i>

14
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:38,168
<i>My heart keeps burning
for you...</i>

15
00:00:39,082 --> 00:00:42,868
This is more retarded
than when I got that
gumball stuck up my nose.

16
00:00:43,913 --> 00:00:47,960
Or the time I wanted to be
the first white
Harlem Globetrotters.

17
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:52,313
And this has got to be more
embarrassing than the time

18
00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:54,315
my mom walked in on me

19
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:56,534
while I was trying
to simulate vaginal friction

20
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:59,276
by rubbing my boner
between the mattress
and box springs.

21
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,278
Why don't you go out and play.

22
00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:03,019
It's such a beautiful day.

23
00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:06,240
No. This tops it.

24
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,503
And it's all because of Erica.

25
00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:14,944
Erica.

26
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:16,511
It sounds so much like

27
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:18,600
erotica.

28
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:21,211
And it's fitting.

29
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:23,300
She's a walking wet dream.

30
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,959
The kind of girl
whose mere glance at you

31
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:33,093
could get your pecker
to stand up and say, "Howdy"

32
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:35,704
and not your normal,
run-of-the-mill erection.

33
00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:38,794
We're talking the kind
that could be picked up
on radar.

34
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,536
The kind you could
hang a flag from.

35
00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,936
Mm... and her breasts...

36
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:53,330
They must have tractor
beams in them.

37
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,550
They pull my hands toward them

38
00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:58,640
like the death star
dragging in the millennium
falcon.

39
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:03,949
Oh!

40
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,259
Come on, guys! Whoo!

41
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:26,494
If I had breasts like that
I could have ruled the world.

42
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:31,151
You are in love with her, no;

43
00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,197
No, I'm not.

44
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:37,200
Then why are you
sitting so funny;

45
00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:39,942
I don't know.

46
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:42,901
Don't be shamed.

47
00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:48,080
A man is two people,
himself and his penis.

48
00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:50,779
A man always takes
his friend to the party

49
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:53,521
but of the two,
the friend is nicer

50
00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:56,785
because he is more able
to show his feelings.

51
00:02:58,613 --> 00:02:59,918
Does this, uh,

52
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:02,399
Erica know what
you think about her;

53
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,794
She's got a boyfriend.

54
00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:07,883
Oh. They are not lovers;

55
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,930
-I don't think so.
-That is good.

56
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:14,803
One pubic hair
between a man and a woman

57
00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:17,414
can be stronger
than the Atlantic cable.

58
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,199
You're telling me.

59
00:03:19,677 --> 00:03:21,636
What is your problem
with the
bella;

60
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,768
She goes off to college
on the east coast

61
00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:25,988
-in three months.
-Ahh!

62
00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:29,252
Then you must declare
your love to her immediately.

63
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:30,340
-Are you crazy;
-You must.

64
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:31,776
It is the only way.

65
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,169
Oh, no, no, no.

66
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,171
She'll think I'm a spaz.

67
00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:39,306
Then you prefer to sit funny
the rest of your life;

68
00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:41,830
Now, listen,
ragazzo,

69
00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:43,484
I will you tell you a story.

70
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:47,009
It is about your great,
great grandfather

71
00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:49,577
Giuseppe Luigi Bendini.

72
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:52,188
When he was a boy your age,

73
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:55,409
he was in love
with the most beautiful girl

74
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:57,498
in the village of Cascata.

75
00:03:58,542 --> 00:03:59,935
But the
bella,

76
00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:03,243
she did not see anything
in Giuseppe.

77
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,680
So, one day, Giuseppe,

78
00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,464
an enterprising young boy,

79
00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:09,597
declared his love to her.

80
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:11,033
He said...

81
00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:15,167
"I, Giuseppe Luigi Bendini,
love you

82
00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:18,388
and to prove that
I will always be there for you

83
00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:24,133
I will stand under your balcony
day and night without relent

84
00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:27,136
until you fall in love with me."

85
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:36,014
So, Giuseppe stood
outside that balcony

86
00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:38,060
day and night,

87
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,236
night and day...

88
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:42,586
...until, finally,

89
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:46,024
his love came out to the balcony
and cried...

90
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:50,551
"Giuseppe Luigi Bendini,
I love you."

91
00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:55,164
So, Giuseppe climbed up to
the balcony and into her bed.

92
00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:58,428
They made love so passionately

93
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,561
that the ground shook...

94
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,608
...and villagers today
still believe

95
00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:08,090
that's what caused
the 1874 earthquake.

96
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,182
I can't do that.

97
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,184
You can, my friend.

98
00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:18,535
Women are like breaking
into a bank,

99
00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,494
it takes nerve,

100
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,017
it takes daring,

101
00:05:22,670 --> 00:05:27,065
sometimes, you need a little bit
of dynamite to blow the vault.

102
00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:32,288
I don't know what it was.

103
00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:35,117
Maybe all the benzoyl
peroxide in my zit cream

104
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:36,988
had affected my brain.

105
00:05:37,162 --> 00:05:39,643
Or maybe I had a strange fetish
for humiliation

106
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:41,166
at the hands of a woman.

107
00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,386
I could only figure
this somehow stemmed

108
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,433
from watching too many
episodes of Julie Newmar

109
00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:49,436
as the catwoman
in all those
batman re-runs.

110
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:51,960
But it seemed
like an audacious idea.

111
00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:53,744
I decided to try it.

112
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:57,095
Peter, that is so sweet.

113
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,402
I was beginning to think
this just might work

114
00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:00,882
when she said the most dreaded

115
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,058
two words
in the English language.

116
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,016
But Peter, we're just friends.

117
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,323
"Just friends."

118
00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:10,370
The words hit me like screaming
lead shot from a. 38.

119
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:11,893
I want to be...

120
00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:14,983
...just friends.

121
00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:16,550
Oh!

122
00:06:16,724 --> 00:06:17,594
Oh!

123
00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:19,596
Ooh!

124
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:24,862
It's just a flesh wound,
my friend.

125
00:06:25,036 --> 00:06:26,429
It will not kill you.

126
00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:28,692
Get back up and fight.

127
00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:35,482
I'm not going to give up
so easily.

128
00:06:35,656 --> 00:06:37,397
But Peter...

129
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:41,226
I was rudely interrupted
by Erica's boyfriend, Nick.

130
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:50,279
He's what I call
a gaping asshole.

131
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:55,719
You know, the type of guy
that's going to college

132
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:57,895
on a football scholarship.

133
00:06:58,069 --> 00:07:01,246
But what bothers me most is,
he's one of those macho dicks

134
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:05,033
who's always grabbing his crotch
and adjusting his balls.

135
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:07,427
I mean, what's the deal;

136
00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:10,299
He acts like he's a guard
at the Tower of London.

137
00:07:10,473 --> 00:07:11,909
He's got to check
every ten seconds

138
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:15,043
to see if the crown jewels
are still there.

139
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,791
And how come every asshole
I know has to make that noise;

140
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:30,450
You can hear a symphony
of those in
any boys' locker room.

141
00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,539
Is it like a lion roaring;

142
00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:34,584
The asshole who can hawk
a loogie the loudest

143
00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:37,195
is the leader of the herd;

144
00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:40,285
Needless to say,
Nick has been my nemesis
since I was five.

145
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,249
I forbid you to go out
dressed like that.

146
00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,425
-Dad.
-No self-respecting
Christian girl

147
00:07:49,599 --> 00:07:50,992
would be seen in public in a...

148
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:54,299
- Get in the house.
- Just get in the house.

149
00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:00,001
Erica...

150
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:01,872
Erica! Erica!

151
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:07,922
Erica looked more doable
than Barbara Feldon
in
Get Smart.

152
00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:09,358
Erica! Erica! Get your...

153
00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:10,794
She kissed Nick so hard

154
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:11,795
I'm sure they could have
swallowed

155
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:13,231
each other's uvulas.

156
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:14,668
Erica, if you...

157
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,108
What the hell is his story;

158
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:22,589
She then proceeded to tell Nick

159
00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:24,329
what I was up to.

160
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:38,996
And if things
weren't hard enough

161
00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:41,477
I encountered
more unexpected problems.

162
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,827
Our prayers have been answered.

163
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,960
I've been asking God
to send someone

164
00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:48,658
to take her away from that
heathen boyfriend, Nick.

165
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,704
-You're a miracle.
-Yes.

166
00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:52,619
Erica's dad could never
have a conversation

167
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,838
without quoting
some guy named Zig Ziglar,

168
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:56,971
a Christian
motivational speaker.

169
00:08:57,145 --> 00:09:00,061
Frankly, I'd never be caught
dead quoting someone named Zig.

170
00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:03,630
The difference between you
and that barbarian Nick

171
00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:05,588
is that you--
Remember what he said,

172
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:10,898
-have a swelled heart,
not a swelled head.
-Ah.

173
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:13,291
I wanted to tell him that
his daughter gave me both,

174
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:14,902
but I didn't.

175
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:17,078
Peter, I thought
you might be hungry

176
00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:19,733
so I brought you some cookies
I made for the church bake sale.

177
00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:22,518
I wasn't all that surprised
by the cookies.

178
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:25,652
This is the same woman
who encourages
her youngest daughter, Mary,

179
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:27,915
to play with nun dolls.

180
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:29,569
Now say 50 more.

181
00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:31,527
Hail, Mary, hail, Mary,
hail, Mary, hail, Mary

182
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:34,530
hail, Mary,
hail, Mary, hail, Mary...

183
00:09:34,704 --> 00:09:36,140
- Thanks.
- Yeah.

184
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:37,315
Now, let's face it.

185
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:38,578
It's a proven fact

186
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,231
that girls do not fall in love

187
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,625
with any boy
her parents actually like.

188
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,409
I vowed at that very moment

189
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,760
that I would find a way to make
her parents hate me.

190
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,110
I set Giuseppe to work on it.

191
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,461
...Mary, hail, Mary, hail...

192
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:54,419
Go ahead, Peter, try it.

193
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,378
Mary hail, Mary, hail, Mary

194
00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:59,076
and hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary

195
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:01,035
hail, Mary, hail, me-Mary

196
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:03,951
hail, ma-- Mary, hail, Mary...

197
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:05,430
Huh;

198
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,475
Hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary...

199
00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:07,955
Mm...

200
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:09,609
...Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Ma--

201
00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:11,611
hail-- ugh...

202
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:15,571
My dad's reaction to my plan

203
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,355
when he heard about it from mom

204
00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:19,227
registered on the
Richter Scale at Caltech.

205
00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:21,185
Peter... Peter!

206
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,839
Stop acting like
you don't hear me.

207
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,101
Peter...

208
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,150
Hell's bells. You get inside
right this instant.

209
00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:31,326
I'm not leaving this spot.

210
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,675
Yes, you are.

211
00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:33,676
No, I'm not.

212
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:34,634
Yes, you
are.

213
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:35,809
You stop listening

214
00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:37,201
to your grandfather's nonsense.

215
00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:38,463
He's not all there.
Now, come on.

216
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,248
Let go. I'm not hurting anyone.

217
00:10:40,422 --> 00:10:42,293
You are acting like a fool.

218
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,034
-Now, come on.
-No!

219
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:45,253
-Give it up, son.
-Mom!

220
00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:46,515
Listen to your father,

221
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:47,603
-Peter!
-This is ridiculous.

222
00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:49,083
What will the neighbors think;

223
00:10:49,605 --> 00:10:50,737
Some of them are my patients.

224
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:51,825
They might stop coming to me

225
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:53,304
if they think my son's a pervert

226
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:55,132
who stands
under young girls' windows.

227
00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:58,092
-You're just--
Our entire family...
-Dad!

228
00:10:58,266 --> 00:10:59,746
- Now, let's go, Peter.
- I'm sorry.

229
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,487
Oh, oh!

230
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,533
My new guinea impatiens!

231
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,362
-I'm sorry.
-What are you doing;

232
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:08,145
- I'm sorry.
- Good old Nonno.

233
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:09,146
I'm sorry.

234
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:09,973
Whenever a situation

235
00:11:10,147 --> 00:11:10,974
calls for it

236
00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:12,149
my grandfather pulls

237
00:11:12,323 --> 00:11:13,716
his infirm-old-man routine.

238
00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:16,676
He's saved my life
hundreds of times.

239
00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,374
I'm sorry.

240
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,247
The same couldn't be said
for my best friend, Matt.

241
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:25,859
-This is my last chance.
-Look, you know,

242
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,296
I just don't want to see you
setting yourself up
like this, man.

243
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:30,994
I've been in love with Erica
since we were kids.

244
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:33,214
We used to play
cowboys and Indians together.

245
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:34,781
When we were little

246
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:36,696
we used to do everything
together.

247
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:40,090
When you get mad at someone,
you go like this.

248
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,266
It was great.

249
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,878
It'll never work, uh-uh.

250
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,881
-Why not;
-'Cause we're losers.

251
00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:51,406
Look, we've been picked
by genetic selection

252
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:54,017
to be the world's
biggest living proof

253
00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:55,323
that this world is fucked.

254
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:56,411
How's that;

255
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:58,892
We lost the DNA lottery.

256
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:01,459
We didn't get the asshole gene.

257
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,548
See, we're the nice guys.

258
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,289
We're never going to succeed.

259
00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:08,031
Only the assholes get
the girls and the dough, bro.

260
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,338
You've got it all figured out;

261
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:11,687
Damned straight I do.

262
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,255
My parents think I'm going
to college in the fall.

263
00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:17,258
I'm not going to college
so I can be one of those jerks
with a degree

264
00:12:17,432 --> 00:12:19,260
who ends up assistant managing
a burger king.

265
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,610
"Would you like fries
with that, please;" No way.

266
00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:22,916
So, you're just
going to give up;

267
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,091
Yep.

268
00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:26,093
Oh, and I suppose
you want me to give up, too.

269
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:31,011
Exactly. You got to become
comfortably numb.

270
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:34,188
You can't let anyone
or anything disappoint you.

271
00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,146
You got to be self-sufficient.

272
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:37,800
I mean, look at me.

273
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,629
Do I need a girl like Erica; No.

274
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:43,850
Hey, as long as you're going
to be here all summer

275
00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:45,547
mind if I use
your mailing address;

276
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,941
-What for;
-I sent away for something

277
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:50,291
and I don't want my mom
to accidentally open it.

278
00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:51,596
So I figured
you'll be out here, you know,

279
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,728
you can intercept it for me

280
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:53,773
before anyone else will get it.

281
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:55,862
-Okay, I guess.
-Yes.

282
00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:58,560
Hey, look, admit it.

283
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:01,128
Sometimes, you wish
you had a girlfriend.

284
00:13:01,302 --> 00:13:02,564
No way.

285
00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:04,653
Blockbuster, domino's pizza

286
00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:06,655
rosy palm and her five friends

287
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:09,614
are all I need
for a great Saturday night.

288
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:11,355
Maybe if you're 14.

289
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,705
Okay. You do have a point.

290
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:17,622
Sometimes I do need
to spice up my love life
a little bit.

291
00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:22,105
I'd like you to meet my date
for the evening, Peter.

292
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,328
You know, I read
in
Barely Legal
magazine

293
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:30,679
about this guy
who got off humping fruit.

294
00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:32,333
You're a sick puppy.

295
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:35,902
Ah, the sun is going to make it
nice and warm,

296
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,295
just like the real thing.

297
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:40,080
Well, what about the seeds;

298
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,604
Well, come on, I'm not
going to go down on it.

299
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:52,744
I amuse myself by watching
the neighborhood.

300
00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:54,529
Life is my tv,

301
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,271
and it was a little more
interesting than network
television.

302
00:13:57,967 --> 00:13:59,621
There was Mr. Mays.

303
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:02,624
My parents think he works
for the CIA or the FBI.

304
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,756
It's because every time
he comes home

305
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:07,063
he drives his car around
the block again and again

306
00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:09,239
to make sure
he's not being followed.

307
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,938
There's a kid on the street
that's a pyromaniac.

308
00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:22,383
Matt made sure
his parents had left him
alone in the house.

309
00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:24,298
Bye, guys!

310
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,431
He then went
to the upstairs bathroom

311
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,869
to make
amore
with his watermelon.

312
00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,002
And the guy across the street,

313
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:34,569
I forget his name,

314
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:36,571
but he seems so sad.

315
00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:38,312
His wife has cancer.

316
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:39,922
He dutifully takes her out

317
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,011
for a breath of fresh air
every day.

318
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,275
It's a good thing
Erica isn't around.

319
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:48,800
I got a woody watching
Ms. Lewis work out
to
Buns of Steel.

320
00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:50,890
And pull and pull and pull...

321
00:14:51,064 --> 00:14:53,109
Mr. Mays put in a second lap.

322
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:01,683
The crazy lady next door
eats her dinner in the car.

323
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:06,079
I was dismayed to see
history repeating itself.

324
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:10,735
Maybe Matt is right.
Some people are born
with the asshole gene

325
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,389
and some of us aren't.

326
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:19,701
There was nothing much happening
to keep me amused at night.

327
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:23,009
At about ten,
I saw Matt go out
to the upstairs balcony.

328
00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:25,707
If he had been in there
all that time

329
00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:28,797
that watermelon now had more
holes in it than a wiffle ball.

330
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:31,756
Only the crazy lady was out.

331
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,671
She was cutting her grass.

332
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:41,505
Looked like there was something
good on TV over at my house

333
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,377
and I wanted to watch it

334
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,858
but something got in the way.

335
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:50,253
So, I watered the plants
instead.

336
00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:55,867
I figured
I should take advantage

337
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,869
of all the time
I had on my hands.

338
00:15:58,044 --> 00:16:00,307
I vowed that if I were
to become Erica's boyfriend

339
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:03,788
I had to become the greatest
lover she had ever known.

340
00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:08,793
In pursuit of that goal
I decided I would become
an expert in love.

341
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:12,188
I started by reading
The Joy of Sexuality.

342
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:16,497
It wasn't the descriptions
of the wildly uninhibited
Chinese-style sex positions

343
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:19,326
like the "wailing monkey
clasping a tree"

344
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,850
or "wild geese flying
on their backs"

345
00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:23,765
that I found most enlightening.

346
00:16:23,939 --> 00:16:26,594
It was the guy they picked
to illustrate

347
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,813
all the exotic conjugations.

348
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,251
The guy was butt-ugly!

349
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,470
And the girl was a babe.

350
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:37,997
This was inspiring.
I mean, if this quest for fire
reject could get laid,

351
00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:40,086
why couldn't I;

352
00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:05,981
Oh, good. My parents
aren't home from church yet.

353
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:09,985
I'll meet you inside.

354
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:12,335
I'm going to have a little talk
with your friend Peter.

355
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:13,293
Okay.

356
00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:32,834
So, you're still here, huh;

357
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,707
You know, I'd have thought
you'd gotten smart
and given up by now.

358
00:17:40,015 --> 00:17:41,625
Why do you guys
always make that noise;

359
00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:42,974
What noise;

360
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,585
This noise.

361
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,634
I mean, you guys spit so much.

362
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:53,072
Makes you wonder
what you been sucking on.

363
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:56,336
Shut up!

364
00:17:57,511 --> 00:18:02,081
Oh, what, what a demonstrative
display of masculine aggression.

365
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:04,953
Did you know
that such behavior is a sign

366
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:08,565
of latent homosexuality;

367
00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:14,136
I think it's time you left.

368
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,449
-I'm not leaving.
-You want to fight;

369
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,146
I'll give you a free shot.

370
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:27,367
Go for it, my friend.

371
00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:29,586
How could I refuse
this invitation;

372
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,893
I was going to lose this fight

373
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,374
but at least I could get
one killer shot in

374
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:36,593
so I charged the prince
of darkness

375
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:38,639
then I realized my mistake.

376
00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:40,597
It was a trick!

377
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:42,730
It felt like my nuts
had exploded

378
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:46,212
and it sounded like a pair
of water balloons dropped
off a building.

379
00:18:54,263 --> 00:18:57,005
Mm, that'll teach ya, huh;

380
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:11,019
I took it as a good
sign that Erica was curious
to see if I was still there.

381
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:22,987
It was important
that Erica never see me

382
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,425
flag in my devotion
by leaving my post

383
00:19:25,599 --> 00:19:27,122
but on the other hand

384
00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:28,993
I didn't want to smell
like my uncle Lou

385
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,083
when Erica buckled
under my romantic vigilance.

386
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:35,348
So, I figured while she was
getting ready for the day

387
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,132
I'd pop inside
for a quick shower

388
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:38,873
and some cheerios.

389
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:40,440
What are you doing;

390
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,006
Changing the locks.

391
00:19:42,572 --> 00:19:44,661
When you finally give up
this nonsense,

392
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:47,186
I'll let you back inside.

393
00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:49,971
Dad, give me a break.

394
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:51,581
Forget it.

395
00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:01,156
- Mom.
- Hmm.

396
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:02,418
This was desperate.

397
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:03,419
No food.

398
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:04,551
No water.

399
00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:05,595
Nice.

400
00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:06,901
And I really needed

401
00:20:07,075 --> 00:20:08,772
to do some low-altitude bombing.

402
00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:23,657
I had no choice but to impose
on my best friend, Matt.

403
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,095
Hey, Matt, open up!

404
00:20:27,269 --> 00:20:28,357
I'm showering, man!

405
00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:30,098
The side door's open!

406
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:43,764
Hey! Whoa!

407
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:45,418
What about a little privacy;

408
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:48,595
Oh, oh, man, light a match.

409
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:51,206
- Sorry.
- Hey, where's your toothpaste; -Get out of here.

410
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:53,077
People are going to think
we're queer or something.

411
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:30,854
What the hell are you doing;

412
00:21:33,988 --> 00:21:35,816
I started reading
The Joy of Sexuality.

413
00:21:35,990 --> 00:21:37,731
I checked out the part
about cunnilingus.

414
00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:40,124
I wanted to make sure
I was in shape.

415
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,170
Mm, cunnilingus.

416
00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:44,172
Yo, you been checking
out for my mail;

417
00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:46,174
Nothing came yet.

418
00:21:46,348 --> 00:21:47,480
Brought you some food.

419
00:21:49,264 --> 00:21:51,135
-No, thanks.
-Come on. It's good.

420
00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:01,320
Sorry about the noise, Peter,
but I'm putting locks
in all the windows.

421
00:22:01,972 --> 00:22:04,584
I don't want Erica
pulling another stunt
like she did yesterday.

422
00:22:08,979 --> 00:22:10,111
Man.

423
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:12,983
I wish you'd give this up, man.

424
00:22:14,811 --> 00:22:18,206
Listen, I'm not so sure
I believe your theory
about the asshole gene.

425
00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:20,687
Oh, come on.

426
00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:22,297
Look, I mean,
it's everywhere you look.

427
00:22:22,471 --> 00:22:24,430
-Hey, you want a taste;
-Yeah!

428
00:22:25,692 --> 00:22:27,346
That's an isolated case.

429
00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:30,871
All right. What if I told you

430
00:22:31,611 --> 00:22:34,831
that even our founding
fathers were assholes;

431
00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:36,137
What are you talking about;

432
00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:38,835
Mm, take the Boston Tea Party
for instance,

433
00:22:39,488 --> 00:22:40,402
all right;

434
00:22:40,576 --> 00:22:42,143
Even with taxation

435
00:22:42,665 --> 00:22:45,189
the British tea cost less
than the colonial tea

436
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:48,628
produced by those guys
like John Hancock and Sam Adams.

437
00:22:48,802 --> 00:22:50,847
No, don't do it!

438
00:22:51,021 --> 00:22:52,196
Mom!

439
00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:59,900
See, the Boston Tea Party
wasn't a political act.

440
00:23:00,074 --> 00:23:02,163
It was an industrial espionage.

441
00:23:02,337 --> 00:23:05,079
It was a scam
by John Hancock and Sam Adams

442
00:23:05,253 --> 00:23:07,342
to put the British
out of business.

443
00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:11,955
See, even our founding fathers
were a bunch of assholes.

444
00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:14,436
You've got a point, uh,

445
00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:15,916
but I've been
thinking about this

446
00:23:16,090 --> 00:23:18,484
and I got a couple
of theories of my own.

447
00:23:19,223 --> 00:23:20,616
Shoot.

448
00:23:21,138 --> 00:23:24,794
Well, I think you can tell a lot
about a woman's personality

449
00:23:24,968 --> 00:23:26,579
from the shape of her breasts.

450
00:23:26,753 --> 00:23:28,450
What are you getting
into right now;

451
00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:30,060
-Take Mrs. Olsen,
for instance...
-What have you done;

452
00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:31,932
Where did you get this;
Is that a firecracker;

453
00:23:32,106 --> 00:23:33,586
Her boobs look
like the turret on a tank.

454
00:23:34,543 --> 00:23:36,806
Her mammaries look like
they could shoot a mortar charge

455
00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:38,329
and blow you to smithereens.

456
00:23:38,895 --> 00:23:41,289
You can see she has the same
ironfisted personality

457
00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:42,856
- that matches her hooters.
- ...trouble

458
00:23:43,030 --> 00:23:44,771
you have ever been in
in of your life!

459
00:23:45,336 --> 00:23:46,773
All right, you got a point.

460
00:23:46,947 --> 00:23:48,688
Go on.

461
00:23:48,862 --> 00:23:51,255
Now, take the crazy lady
next door.

462
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:52,735
Don't give me the willies.

463
00:23:53,344 --> 00:23:55,825
No, look, she's got mashed
potato breasts.

464
00:23:56,391 --> 00:23:57,697
Dude, they're so weird.

465
00:23:57,871 --> 00:23:59,916
Yeah, right. She's weird, too.

466
00:24:00,090 --> 00:24:03,572
All right. But you know you're
just giving me easy examples.

467
00:24:04,225 --> 00:24:07,141
- All right.
- Ms. Lewis.

468
00:24:07,750 --> 00:24:10,536
Her bosoms are like melons
that have been in the
store a little too long.

469
00:24:11,362 --> 00:24:12,625
You may be taking
a chance buying them

470
00:24:12,799 --> 00:24:14,191
after the expiration date

471
00:24:14,365 --> 00:24:16,846
but if you're lucky,
they might still be good.

472
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,066
She's the same way.

473
00:24:20,197 --> 00:24:22,548
She's a little older,
but I bet she's a good woman.

474
00:24:25,725 --> 00:24:31,295
Okay, now, what can you deduce
from Erica's breasts;

475
00:24:34,255 --> 00:24:36,779
I've done a lot of
thinking about this.

476
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,869
As you can see,
her breasts are extremely firm,

477
00:24:40,043 --> 00:24:42,045
so taut you expect the nipples

478
00:24:42,219 --> 00:24:45,048
to blow off like a cork
out of a champagne bottle.

479
00:24:46,093 --> 00:24:52,839
I see this as a reflection
of Erica's effervescent, wild,
life-is-a-party personality.

480
00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:56,059
It's also self-evident
that her breasts are
on the small side.

481
00:24:56,233 --> 00:24:59,323
I suspect it's going to take
centuries for them to droop

482
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:03,023
meaning that she'll always
be young at heart.

483
00:25:03,589 --> 00:25:05,721
But here's something
that you may miss

484
00:25:05,895 --> 00:25:07,549
upon a cursory glance.

485
00:25:08,463 --> 00:25:13,250
Some women's nipples can become
hard like pink pencil erasers.

486
00:25:13,424 --> 00:25:15,731
So hard that you could dial
the phone with them, you know;

487
00:25:17,167 --> 00:25:20,475
These women, I suspect
are often more concerned
with the particulars in life

488
00:25:20,649 --> 00:25:23,260
like avoiding laying
in the wet spot.

489
00:25:23,739 --> 00:25:24,871
But with Erica,

490
00:25:26,350 --> 00:25:32,618
notice how the nipple
merges almost effortlessly

491
00:25:33,270 --> 00:25:34,620
with the areola...

492
00:25:35,925 --> 00:25:38,885
...bringing a softness
to her nippular area.

493
00:25:39,450 --> 00:25:42,279
I think this suggests
a softness of heart.

494
00:25:43,411 --> 00:25:45,892
I mean, this is a girl
more concerned

495
00:25:46,066 --> 00:25:49,460
with passion than particulars.

496
00:25:53,290 --> 00:25:54,291
Am I right;

497
00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:57,773
Matt;

498
00:25:57,947 --> 00:26:01,211
Um, Pete, I got to go.

499
00:26:01,385 --> 00:26:03,910
Uh, there's something
I got to do at home.

500
00:26:04,084 --> 00:26:05,564
See ya.

501
00:26:14,747 --> 00:26:17,140
I'm really hungry.

502
00:26:17,967 --> 00:26:19,839
Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry.

503
00:26:20,361 --> 00:26:23,059
The only thing I'd eaten that
day was Matt's watermelon.

504
00:26:23,625 --> 00:26:25,888
I hadn't eaten all of it
for obvious reasons...

505
00:26:26,062 --> 00:26:29,152
....so I was pretty hungry
by the time Nonno
snuck out of the house.

506
00:26:40,555 --> 00:26:41,512
Get down.

507
00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:54,743
Nonno, what are
you doing out here;

508
00:27:02,098 --> 00:27:03,012
Goal!

509
00:27:03,186 --> 00:27:04,448
Goal!

510
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,015
Goal!

511
00:27:06,189 --> 00:27:08,452
-Goal!
-Okay. Okay.

512
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:09,671
-Goal!
-Okay, okay.

513
00:27:09,845 --> 00:27:11,064
Marge, your dad thinks

514
00:27:11,238 --> 00:27:12,718
he's in the world cup again.

515
00:27:21,596 --> 00:27:22,728
I'm not cool enough.

516
00:27:22,902 --> 00:27:24,512
She's never going
to fall for me.

517
00:27:25,165 --> 00:27:27,646
Standing out here
doesn't make any sense, Nonno.

518
00:27:27,820 --> 00:27:30,170
It makes all the sense
in the world.

519
00:27:30,344 --> 00:27:33,739
You are trying to make love
to a woman.

520
00:27:34,609 --> 00:27:37,656
You must know
deep in your heart of hearts

521
00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:40,310
that people are supposed
to make love.

522
00:27:40,876 --> 00:27:43,313
It is our main purpose in life.

523
00:27:43,487 --> 00:27:46,839
All those other activities,
uh, playing the violin

524
00:27:47,013 --> 00:27:51,104
washing dishes,
reading novels, drinking wine

525
00:27:51,278 --> 00:27:56,979
are just ways of passing time
until you can make love again.

526
00:27:57,850 --> 00:28:00,026
Then my whole life
is passing time.

527
00:28:00,983 --> 00:28:02,332
This is never going to work.

528
00:28:02,506 --> 00:28:04,247
This
bella
Erica,

529
00:28:04,421 --> 00:28:06,206
she will fall for you.

530
00:28:06,380 --> 00:28:07,642
Impossible.

531
00:28:09,209 --> 00:28:10,819
Crazier things have happened.

532
00:28:10,993 --> 00:28:13,387
-Let me tell you another story.
-Oh, great.

533
00:28:13,561 --> 00:28:16,259
Look at all the trouble your
last one got me into,
Nonno.

534
00:28:16,433 --> 00:28:19,045
It is about a young navy pilot.

535
00:28:19,610 --> 00:28:23,397
He could perform incredible
maneuvers in his plane.

536
00:28:26,008 --> 00:28:28,054
Then one day, he nearly crashed.

537
00:28:28,750 --> 00:28:32,711
The pilot went to the doctors
and declared his problem...

538
00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:35,365
...hemorrhoids,

539
00:28:35,539 --> 00:28:38,673
a mass of dilated veins
in the rectum.

540
00:28:39,152 --> 00:28:40,544
The doctor had them removed.

541
00:28:41,110 --> 00:28:42,982
What's so romantic
about this story;

542
00:28:43,156 --> 00:28:45,724
The pilot met this nurse.

543
00:28:45,898 --> 00:28:48,030
Twice a day,
she would change his dressings

544
00:28:48,204 --> 00:28:51,642
and apply ointment
to his traumatized sphincter.

545
00:28:52,426 --> 00:28:54,123
The two got to talking.

546
00:28:54,297 --> 00:28:56,822
The nurse fell
for the young pilot.

547
00:28:57,561 --> 00:29:01,827
Now, if that isn't love
I don't know what is.

548
00:29:02,001 --> 00:29:04,177
After two weeks,
the couple got married.

549
00:29:05,047 --> 00:29:08,224
And if it wasn't
for a swelling anus

550
00:29:08,398 --> 00:29:10,879
the two would never have met.

551
00:29:11,837 --> 00:29:14,622
Now, I don't believe
any
of your stories.

552
00:29:32,031 --> 00:29:33,119
It's all true.

553
00:29:34,033 --> 00:29:35,861
Ask your mom and dad.

554
00:29:37,079 --> 00:29:39,821
-That was Mom and Dad;
-Yep.

555
00:29:53,879 --> 00:29:56,490
<i>They laugh at me aloud
they say I'm just a clown</i>

556
00:29:56,664 --> 00:29:58,274
<i>That I ain't got no pride</i>

557
00:29:58,448 --> 00:30:00,276
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

558
00:30:01,103 --> 00:30:02,539
<i>The girls look really cute</i>

559
00:30:02,713 --> 00:30:04,019
<i>They really make it work</i>

560
00:30:04,193 --> 00:30:05,673
<i>They think I'm just a jerk</i>

561
00:30:05,847 --> 00:30:07,153
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

562
00:30:08,415 --> 00:30:09,764
<i>I never could sit still</i>

563
00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:11,374
<i>I never was too hip</i>

564
00:30:11,548 --> 00:30:13,028
<i>I never caught the ride</i>

565
00:30:13,202 --> 00:30:14,769
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

566
00:30:14,943 --> 00:30:16,205
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

567
00:30:16,379 --> 00:30:18,599
<i>I'm on the outside now</i>

568
00:30:18,773 --> 00:30:21,776
<i>This is where it all begins</i>

569
00:30:21,950 --> 00:30:24,605
<i>I'm on the outside
lookin' in</i>

570
00:30:24,779 --> 00:30:26,215
<i>Lookin' in</i>

571
00:30:26,389 --> 00:30:28,043
<i>At you</i>

572
00:30:28,217 --> 00:30:30,959
<i>I'm just an alien
through and through</i>

573
00:30:31,133 --> 00:30:34,093
<i>Tryin' to make believe
I'm you, oh</i>

574
00:30:34,267 --> 00:30:35,529
<i>Tryin' to fit</i>

575
00:30:36,573 --> 00:30:42,101
<i>Just a stranger on the outside
lookin' in</i>

576
00:30:44,407 --> 00:30:46,366
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

577
00:30:47,236 --> 00:30:49,673
<i>I'm on the outside now</i>

578
00:30:55,505 --> 00:30:59,161
My massive manhood
must have been sapping
all the blood from my brain.

579
00:30:59,335 --> 00:31:01,642
That's the only way I could
explain my acceptance

580
00:31:01,816 --> 00:31:03,557
of this retarded,
quixotic quest.

581
00:31:03,731 --> 00:31:05,864
Hours passed into days.

582
00:31:06,342 --> 00:31:09,258
Nick and I got to know
each other better.

583
00:31:12,435 --> 00:31:14,046
I had time on my hands.

584
00:31:14,524 --> 00:31:16,570
I read
the entire
Kinsey Reports

585
00:31:16,744 --> 00:31:18,964
and found out that
ten percent of all males

586
00:31:19,138 --> 00:31:20,748
attempt self-fellatio

587
00:31:20,922 --> 00:31:23,838
and that point 3%
actually succeed.

588
00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:28,799
I had plenty of opportunity
to watch the TV of life.

589
00:31:36,807 --> 00:31:39,767
All summer,
I never saw Erica wear
the same thing twice.

590
00:31:40,768 --> 00:31:42,509
<i>...my tongue is hanging out</i>

591
00:31:42,683 --> 00:31:44,424
<i>For your love</i>

592
00:31:44,598 --> 00:31:46,556
<i>Don't leave me hanging out</i>

593
00:31:46,730 --> 00:31:48,515
<i>For your love</i>

594
00:31:48,689 --> 00:31:50,604
<i>I'm just hanging out</i>

595
00:31:50,778 --> 00:31:52,519
<i>For your love</i>

596
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:55,261
And for Erica's sister,

597
00:31:55,435 --> 00:31:56,871
Halloween came early.

598
00:31:57,045 --> 00:31:59,221
-Now say 20 hail Marys.
-Hail Mary, hail Mary...

599
00:31:59,395 --> 00:32:00,875
My dad couldn't figure out

600
00:32:01,049 --> 00:32:02,964
why his new guinea
impatiens wouldn't grow.

601
00:32:03,138 --> 00:32:04,574
Neither could I.

602
00:32:04,748 --> 00:32:06,925
I had been watering it
regularly.

603
00:32:08,187 --> 00:32:10,450
-<i>I've been...</i>
-And surprisingly enough,

604
00:32:10,624 --> 00:32:12,452
I earned some extra money
on the side.

605
00:32:12,626 --> 00:32:14,236
Since I know that you're
going to be here all the time

606
00:32:14,410 --> 00:32:16,673
I thought maybe you could
baby-sit Robert tonight.

607
00:32:16,847 --> 00:32:20,068
Hey lady, did you ever think
that tonight might be the night

608
00:32:20,242 --> 00:32:23,158
that Erica and I tried
the wailing monkey
clasping a tree act;

609
00:32:23,811 --> 00:32:26,814
Erica's father took a sculpting
class that summer.

610
00:32:26,988 --> 00:32:27,858
What is it;

611
00:32:28,468 --> 00:32:29,512
It's baby Jesus.

612
00:32:30,426 --> 00:32:31,862
I figured I'd get
a little head start

613
00:32:32,037 --> 00:32:34,387
on our nativity scene
for next Christmas.

614
00:32:34,561 --> 00:32:37,651
Little Jesus looked more
like an aborted fetus

615
00:32:37,825 --> 00:32:39,087
but I kept my mouth shut.

616
00:32:39,653 --> 00:32:40,959
- Give me my plane.
- No!

617
00:32:41,133 --> 00:32:42,699
Give me it.

618
00:32:42,873 --> 00:32:44,353
I took a liking to young Robert.

619
00:32:44,527 --> 00:32:45,702
My plane!

620
00:32:47,139 --> 00:32:48,792
I was his guardian angel.

621
00:32:50,446 --> 00:32:52,100
Sort of.

622
00:32:52,796 --> 00:32:56,235
Next time this guy bothers you
all you have to do
is stand up to him.

623
00:32:56,409 --> 00:32:58,454
All bullies are cowards.

624
00:32:59,368 --> 00:33:00,456
Trust me.

625
00:33:01,501 --> 00:33:03,590
Days soon passed into weeks.

626
00:33:04,156 --> 00:33:07,072
The guy across the street
stopped taking his wife out.

627
00:33:07,246 --> 00:33:09,683
Now he just walks
around the block alone.

628
00:33:10,466 --> 00:33:11,815
I hope she's all right.

629
00:33:12,947 --> 00:33:15,863
On Saturdays,
things got a little boring.

630
00:33:16,037 --> 00:33:20,781
"What is the sea of galilee
called in the old testament;"

631
00:33:20,955 --> 00:33:22,391
That's an easy one.

632
00:33:22,565 --> 00:33:24,263
-The Sea of Kinnereth.
-Oh...

633
00:33:24,437 --> 00:33:25,655
My turn.

634
00:33:27,527 --> 00:33:29,529
"Was there any money
on Noah's ark;"

635
00:33:30,269 --> 00:33:31,835
- No.
- Wrong.

636
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,621
The duck had a bill,
the skunk had a scent

637
00:33:34,795 --> 00:33:36,318
and the frog had a green back.

638
00:33:39,104 --> 00:33:40,409
Listening to Erica's parents

639
00:33:40,583 --> 00:33:41,671
play biblical pursuit

640
00:33:41,845 --> 00:33:43,586
only strengthened my resolve

641
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,415
to find a way to piss them off
and impress my beloved.

642
00:33:46,589 --> 00:33:48,417
I had Giuseppe working on it.

643
00:33:48,591 --> 00:33:50,289
Now pull, and pull.

644
00:33:50,463 --> 00:33:52,421
Some nights were better
than others.

645
00:33:52,595 --> 00:33:54,641
Let's get it. Last time.

646
00:33:54,815 --> 00:33:58,906
All right, ladies.
Great workout. Okay, great.

647
00:34:10,091 --> 00:34:14,008
But twice a month, I would hear
the most distressing sound
I could hear...

648
00:34:16,924 --> 00:34:20,232
The noise of my parents...
making love.

649
00:34:22,190 --> 00:34:23,191
What's up, Pete;

650
00:34:26,847 --> 00:34:29,415
Hey, anything come in the mail
for me yet;

651
00:34:29,589 --> 00:34:30,416
Nope.

652
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:34,420
-The guy across
the street has found...
-I have to do it.

653
00:34:34,594 --> 00:34:36,857
-...a lady friend.
-I'm warning you, don't do it.

654
00:34:37,031 --> 00:34:40,078
It wasn't until later that
I began to have suspicions

655
00:34:40,252 --> 00:34:42,384
as to what the woman
was imploring him

656
00:34:42,558 --> 00:34:44,082
not to do.

657
00:34:44,256 --> 00:34:46,475
"Captain nemo walked ahead of us

658
00:34:46,649 --> 00:34:49,391
and his herculean companion
strode a few steps behind us.

659
00:34:49,565 --> 00:34:51,698
Conseil and I walked
side by side

660
00:34:51,872 --> 00:34:54,004
as if a conversation
might still be possible

661
00:34:54,179 --> 00:34:55,745
through our metallic helmets."

662
00:35:02,970 --> 00:35:05,015
"Already, I no longer felt
the weight of my suit

663
00:35:05,190 --> 00:35:06,408
of my lead-soled boots

664
00:35:06,582 --> 00:35:08,018
of my air tanker, of my helmet."

665
00:35:08,193 --> 00:35:09,803
More than half the summer
had passed

666
00:35:09,977 --> 00:35:12,414
and everything still sucked
the big one.

667
00:35:12,588 --> 00:35:15,548
I was nowhere near
my beloved objective.

668
00:35:15,722 --> 00:35:18,116
Finally, in august,

669
00:35:18,290 --> 00:35:20,161
Erica spoke to me.

670
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:21,641
Peter;

671
00:35:30,432 --> 00:35:31,390
Erica.

672
00:35:32,652 --> 00:35:33,783
Hi.

673
00:35:34,871 --> 00:35:38,962
I was wondering if maybe
you could help me do something;

674
00:35:39,137 --> 00:35:40,312
Anything.

675
00:35:40,486 --> 00:35:42,575
Well, see my parents
have grounded me

676
00:35:42,749 --> 00:35:45,230
and I really want to go
see Nick tonight.

677
00:35:46,187 --> 00:35:48,450
So, I was hoping
you might help me get down.

678
00:35:50,713 --> 00:35:52,062
Okay.

679
00:35:52,628 --> 00:35:54,064
It was against my principles

680
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:55,370
to help Erica with Nick

681
00:35:55,544 --> 00:35:56,676
but this was at least a way

682
00:35:56,850 --> 00:35:58,025
to talk to her.

683
00:35:58,199 --> 00:35:59,461
And in that short skirt

684
00:36:00,245 --> 00:36:03,248
I caught my first glimpse
of Xanadu.

685
00:36:04,988 --> 00:36:06,251
Oh...

686
00:36:07,817 --> 00:36:08,949
My God, are you all right;

687
00:36:10,603 --> 00:36:12,300
I'm... I'm fine.

688
00:36:12,474 --> 00:36:14,520
"Never better" was more like it.

689
00:36:14,694 --> 00:36:17,000
-And that's how Erica and I
began talking.
-I'm so sorry.

690
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:20,526
Every night, she would
sneak out to visit Nick
and I would help her.

691
00:36:20,700 --> 00:36:22,397
And every night
I would find a new way

692
00:36:22,571 --> 00:36:24,965
for Erica to fall on me.

693
00:36:29,274 --> 00:36:30,797
Pussy galore, she was like...

694
00:36:30,971 --> 00:36:31,928
And we talked.

695
00:36:32,102 --> 00:36:33,103
She was like this tough chick.

696
00:36:33,278 --> 00:36:34,714
And there is no doubt about it,

697
00:36:34,888 --> 00:36:37,934
Roger Moore is by far
the best James Bond.

698
00:36:38,108 --> 00:36:39,588
Roger Moore;

699
00:36:39,762 --> 00:36:41,460
Come on.

700
00:36:41,634 --> 00:36:43,940
Everybody knows Sean Connery
is the best James Bond.

701
00:36:44,114 --> 00:36:45,986
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

702
00:36:46,682 --> 00:36:48,554
Uh, Roger Moore
is the best James Bond.

703
00:36:48,728 --> 00:36:51,209
My God, what was I saying;

704
00:36:51,383 --> 00:36:54,386
Erica's beauty had more power
over me than I thought.

705
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:59,129
I mean, for me Sean Connery
is just way too hairy.

706
00:36:59,304 --> 00:37:02,132
And it really bugs me the way...

707
00:37:02,307 --> 00:37:04,222
...he talks like this.

708
00:37:04,396 --> 00:37:06,789
Where's "M," miss Moneypenny;

709
00:37:07,616 --> 00:37:11,664
Thank God they never
replaced Desmond Llewelyn.
He is so great as "Q."

710
00:37:11,838 --> 00:37:15,711
Wow. Erica even knew that
Desmond Llewelyn played "Q."

711
00:37:15,885 --> 00:37:17,191
Now I know I'm in love.

712
00:37:18,018 --> 00:37:21,456
This may sound crazy,
but sometimes when I'm depressed

713
00:37:21,630 --> 00:37:23,850
that the world is
a really terrible place

714
00:37:24,024 --> 00:37:27,462
I find myself sympathizing
with the Bond villains.

715
00:37:27,636 --> 00:37:29,508
-What do you mean;
-Well,

716
00:37:30,073 --> 00:37:31,945
remember how Curt Jurgens
in
The Spy Who Loved Me

717
00:37:32,119 --> 00:37:34,382
wanted to create a perfect
society under the sea

718
00:37:35,209 --> 00:37:38,430
and in
Moonraker
Hugo Drax
wanted to do the same in space;

719
00:37:38,604 --> 00:37:41,259
-Right.
-These guys
really weren't so bad.

720
00:37:41,868 --> 00:37:44,436
They were just tired of
the war, the politics, pollution

721
00:37:44,610 --> 00:37:46,873
and, and wanted
to change things.

722
00:37:47,482 --> 00:37:50,137
Then this handsome womanizer
who's afraid of commitment

723
00:37:50,311 --> 00:37:52,008
pulls up in his fancy sports car

724
00:37:52,182 --> 00:37:56,012
and messes things up
just to protect the status quo.

725
00:37:57,144 --> 00:38:01,931
I mean, sometimes I wish
the world could just
start over, you know;

726
00:38:03,237 --> 00:38:05,500
Wow. That's deep.

727
00:38:06,327 --> 00:38:09,243
...nah, I think the blue MandMs.
They were a good choice.

728
00:38:09,417 --> 00:38:12,464
- No way.
- I talked to her more in those few weeks

729
00:38:12,638 --> 00:38:15,728
than I did the previous 14 years
I lived across the street
from her.

730
00:38:15,902 --> 00:38:18,165
So, if you were to be afflicted
with either of the following

731
00:38:18,339 --> 00:38:19,688
which would it be;

732
00:38:19,862 --> 00:38:22,430
Halitosis or incontinence;

733
00:38:24,084 --> 00:38:28,306
Halitosis. I figure I could
always stock up on breath mints.

734
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:30,656
Okay, I have one for you.

735
00:38:31,221 --> 00:38:36,662
Would rather lose your eyesight
or the use of both of your legs;

736
00:38:37,271 --> 00:38:39,752
-That's too hard.
-No, come on.
You have to answer.

737
00:38:39,926 --> 00:38:41,101
Those are the rules.

738
00:38:41,971 --> 00:38:44,713
Probably, I'd lose my eyesight.

739
00:38:45,714 --> 00:38:47,499
Your face is etched
into my memory.

740
00:38:48,413 --> 00:38:49,892
I'd always be able to see you

741
00:38:50,066 --> 00:38:52,547
and with my legs,

742
00:38:53,113 --> 00:38:54,680
I could still make love to you.

743
00:38:59,685 --> 00:39:01,208
Good night, Peter.

744
00:39:02,644 --> 00:39:03,906
Bye.

745
00:40:10,669 --> 00:40:11,496
Hey.

746
00:40:13,759 --> 00:40:14,760
What's up;

747
00:40:16,022 --> 00:40:17,676
All right, you promise
you're not going to laugh;

748
00:40:19,242 --> 00:40:20,200
Sure.

749
00:40:26,293 --> 00:40:27,599
Come on, man.
You said you wouldn't laugh.

750
00:40:27,773 --> 00:40:28,774
I'm sorry.

751
00:40:30,906 --> 00:40:32,386
-Can I feel;
-Get off.

752
00:40:33,996 --> 00:40:35,607
Look, I was trying to spice up
my love life, right,

753
00:40:35,781 --> 00:40:38,348
and my parents came home
a little bit early.

754
00:40:38,523 --> 00:40:39,698
They wanted to talk
to me about something

755
00:40:39,872 --> 00:40:41,047
and ended up searching
all over for me.

756
00:40:41,221 --> 00:40:42,527
So I figured
the best thing to do

757
00:40:42,701 --> 00:40:44,180
was just get out of the house.

758
00:40:45,617 --> 00:40:47,793
Here, unhook me.

759
00:40:48,924 --> 00:40:50,404
Wow, you know, I don't
know how girls do this

760
00:40:50,578 --> 00:40:52,232
because this thing
was a bitch to get on.

761
00:40:53,538 --> 00:40:54,364
Come on.

762
00:40:55,235 --> 00:40:56,366
Yeah, it's a bitch.

763
00:40:57,324 --> 00:41:00,196
Here, can you hang on to it
'til I can sneak it back it in;

764
00:41:00,370 --> 00:41:02,155
And stop smirking.

765
00:41:02,329 --> 00:41:04,244
I'm not the first guy
that's tried this.

766
00:41:06,115 --> 00:41:08,204
What does that Kinsey book
say about it;

767
00:41:11,730 --> 00:41:14,472
I think maybe you should
give it a rest for a while.

768
00:41:15,255 --> 00:41:16,996
You know, save some
for your true love.

769
00:41:19,128 --> 00:41:22,436
Peter, remember that story
we read in seventh grade;

770
00:41:22,610 --> 00:41:24,046
The one in
scholastic magazine

771
00:41:24,220 --> 00:41:26,527
about the heroin addict
who was so whacked out

772
00:41:26,701 --> 00:41:28,355
that he pulled out his eyeballs;

773
00:41:29,051 --> 00:41:31,750
They said that
the dude's eyeballs was like
hanging down below his knees

774
00:41:31,924 --> 00:41:34,709
-still attached to his veins
or something like that; Yeah.
-Yeah, I remember.

775
00:41:34,883 --> 00:41:36,232
It wasn't true.

776
00:41:36,842 --> 00:41:38,670
They just printed that
to scare us.

777
00:41:39,235 --> 00:41:41,934
Look, it's all propaganda, Pete.

778
00:41:42,108 --> 00:41:43,631
Just like true love is.

779
00:41:44,197 --> 00:41:47,722
You know what; You and me
ain't never going to find it.

780
00:41:51,030 --> 00:41:54,163
Whoa! Did you see
that point 3% of all males

781
00:41:54,337 --> 00:41:56,078
succeed in self-fellatio;

782
00:41:56,252 --> 00:41:57,819
Have you noticed that
the guy across the street

783
00:41:57,993 --> 00:42:00,082
-never takes his wife out
anymore;
-No.

784
00:42:02,041 --> 00:42:03,564
Anything come
in the mail for me yet;

785
00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:06,001
You remember
that weird conversation

786
00:42:06,175 --> 00:42:08,526
we saw him having the
other day with that woman;

787
00:42:08,700 --> 00:42:11,746
And she was saying...
"Don't do it, don't do it."

788
00:42:12,704 --> 00:42:14,183
Yeah.

789
00:42:14,357 --> 00:42:17,752
Hey, maybe the other woman
is his lover, right;

790
00:42:18,231 --> 00:42:20,407
And he says, "I'm going
to kill my wife."

791
00:42:20,581 --> 00:42:24,019
- And she says...
- "No, don't do it, don't do it."

792
00:42:24,193 --> 00:42:25,194
You think;

793
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:28,850
Well, I know if my wife were
an invalid, I'd be that horny.

794
00:42:29,895 --> 00:42:31,070
You're sick.

795
00:42:32,114 --> 00:42:33,681
Come on, Pete. Everybody is.

796
00:42:34,508 --> 00:42:35,901
The question is...

797
00:42:37,598 --> 00:42:39,992
...what's he done with her body;

798
00:42:48,957 --> 00:42:50,829
How exactly would you go about

799
00:42:51,873 --> 00:42:53,571
cutting up a dead body;

800
00:42:55,529 --> 00:42:56,661
Well, that's a hacksaw.

801
00:42:58,227 --> 00:42:59,489
Me...

802
00:43:00,447 --> 00:43:01,970
I'd use a chain saw.

803
00:43:21,381 --> 00:43:22,730
The next day,
little Robert decided

804
00:43:22,904 --> 00:43:23,992
to take my advice and stand up

805
00:43:24,166 --> 00:43:25,820
to the tyranny of assholes.

806
00:43:41,183 --> 00:43:42,881
Little Robert was all right.

807
00:43:43,055 --> 00:43:45,927
He only needed 40 stitches
and two casts.

808
00:43:46,101 --> 00:43:48,669
But I began to wonder
whether or not I should have
tried tampering

809
00:43:48,843 --> 00:43:50,715
with the cosmic order of things.

810
00:43:51,933 --> 00:43:55,154
I was practicing my one-handed
technique when disaster struck.

811
00:43:57,199 --> 00:43:59,506
Nick and Erica had just come
back from the lake.

812
00:44:00,246 --> 00:44:03,336
Unfortunately, Erica's parents
let her out once in a while.

813
00:44:06,295 --> 00:44:08,602
No, come on.
You remember in that one movie.

814
00:44:08,776 --> 00:44:11,039
I mean, that just proves
that Roger Moore

815
00:44:11,213 --> 00:44:13,128
is by far the best James Bond.

816
00:44:13,302 --> 00:44:15,609
Erica looked great, of course.

817
00:44:16,131 --> 00:44:18,481
He's all right.
I, I agree he's not bad.

818
00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:22,572
But I nearly hurled at the sight
of Nick in his speedo.

819
00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:28,535
He was
huge.
It immediately makes you think
of the words "Apollo Rocket."

820
00:44:28,709 --> 00:44:30,798
How the hell was I going
to compete with that;

821
00:44:30,972 --> 00:44:34,802
I was India's space program
compared to his Cape Kennedy.

822
00:44:35,716 --> 00:44:38,806
Hey, you brought
the protection, right;

823
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:42,288
The protection;
Where were her parents;

824
00:44:42,462 --> 00:44:44,682
Where was Christ's vice squad
when I needed them most;

825
00:44:44,856 --> 00:44:45,944
Come in, apollo 12.

826
00:44:46,118 --> 00:44:47,772
We have you cleared for takeoff.

827
00:44:47,946 --> 00:44:49,164
Roger that, mission control.

828
00:44:49,338 --> 00:44:50,557
We are ready for liftoff.

829
00:44:52,559 --> 00:44:55,257
We have liftoff
in ten... nine...

830
00:44:55,431 --> 00:44:56,824
- eight... seven...
- I had to do something.

831
00:44:56,998 --> 00:44:59,566
I had to abort Nick's trip
to Venus.

832
00:44:59,740 --> 00:45:03,178
- I did the only thing
I could think of.
- ...two, one...

833
00:45:03,352 --> 00:45:07,530
<i>O come, all ye faithful</i>

834
00:45:07,705 --> 00:45:11,360
<i>Joyful and triumphant</i>

835
00:45:11,534 --> 00:45:15,147
<i>O come ye, o come ye</i>

836
00:45:15,321 --> 00:45:17,062
-<i>To Bethlehem...</i>
-I don't know why
this came to me.

837
00:45:17,236 --> 00:45:19,455
It must have been a word
association with "come."

838
00:45:19,629 --> 00:45:23,329
<i>Come and behold him</i>

839
00:45:23,503 --> 00:45:26,680
<i>He, the king of Israel</i>

840
00:45:26,854 --> 00:45:30,162
<i>O, come let us adore him</i>

841
00:45:30,336 --> 00:45:33,469
<i>O, come let us adore him</i>

842
00:45:33,643 --> 00:45:39,954
<i>O, come let us adore him</i>

843
00:45:40,128 --> 00:45:46,352
<i>Christ the lord</i>

844
00:45:46,526 --> 00:45:48,136
It seemed to do the trick.

845
00:45:48,310 --> 00:45:50,182
Nick, stop.

846
00:45:50,356 --> 00:45:52,706
Apollo 12,
we've had a malfunction.

847
00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:53,925
Abort liftoff.

848
00:45:55,448 --> 00:45:56,841
I had visions that I could

849
00:45:57,015 --> 00:45:58,973
take Nick out
with my expert knowledge

850
00:45:59,147 --> 00:46:00,279
of the martial arts.

851
00:46:05,197 --> 00:46:06,241
Finish him.

852
00:46:07,155 --> 00:46:08,722
But that's not what happened.

853
00:46:10,506 --> 00:46:13,727
Towering above me Nick hawked
the biggest loogie ever.

854
00:46:13,901 --> 00:46:16,556
I trembled, knowing
it was intended for me.

855
00:46:19,907 --> 00:46:21,387
Oh, my God.

856
00:46:23,084 --> 00:46:24,129
You stuff.

857
00:46:24,999 --> 00:46:26,914
You stuff!

858
00:46:35,227 --> 00:46:36,794
If you tell anybody,
you're dead.

859
00:46:47,195 --> 00:46:50,155
Houston, we have liftoff.

860
00:47:11,916 --> 00:47:13,221
Dad, what are you doing;

861
00:47:13,395 --> 00:47:14,875
Having a yard sale.

862
00:47:15,049 --> 00:47:16,877
-This is my stuff.
-Well, since you don't live

863
00:47:17,051 --> 00:47:18,661
with us anymore,
didn't figure you needed it.

864
00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:21,273
Hey, hey, how much for
the Sandy Koufax baseball card;

865
00:47:21,447 --> 00:47:22,709
Uh, what... 25 cents;

866
00:47:22,883 --> 00:47:24,102
That's a collector's edition.

867
00:47:24,276 --> 00:47:25,277
It's worth 50 bucks.

868
00:47:25,451 --> 00:47:26,495
Really;

869
00:47:26,669 --> 00:47:28,280
25 cents, not a cent less.

870
00:47:28,454 --> 00:47:30,064
Sold.

871
00:47:34,634 --> 00:47:35,765
Mom...

872
00:47:37,158 --> 00:47:39,160
Oh, how much for
the electric toothbrush;

873
00:47:39,334 --> 00:47:41,075
For you a special price,

874
00:47:41,249 --> 00:47:42,903
-a buck.
-Yeah.

875
00:47:43,817 --> 00:47:45,166
-There you go.
-Thank you.

876
00:47:46,733 --> 00:47:47,995
Matt, what are you doing;

877
00:47:48,169 --> 00:47:49,431
I use one of these
at my grandma's.

878
00:47:49,605 --> 00:47:50,563
If you do it right

879
00:47:50,737 --> 00:47:52,695
it feels just like a vibrator.

880
00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:54,741
What the hell are you doing

881
00:47:54,915 --> 00:47:57,135
with your boy's things;
They're not his things.

882
00:47:57,309 --> 00:47:59,180
I'll give you five bucks
for this collection of
Playpens.

883
00:47:59,354 --> 00:48:01,791
- I'll give you six.
- You're not a customer.

884
00:48:01,966 --> 00:48:04,359
-And you have no right
to sell Peter's things.
-The pages are, like, sticky.

885
00:48:04,533 --> 00:48:05,970
-You have no right.
-This is disgusting.

886
00:48:06,144 --> 00:48:07,101
-Okay, okay, four bucks.
-No, you have no right.

887
00:48:07,275 --> 00:48:08,320
-Four bucks.
-Four bucks;

888
00:48:08,494 --> 00:48:09,669
- I'll take it.
- No, no.

889
00:48:09,843 --> 00:48:11,584
You have no right! You--

890
00:48:13,194 --> 00:48:13,978
Papa;

891
00:48:14,152 --> 00:48:15,327
Nonno; What's happening;

892
00:48:15,501 --> 00:48:16,937
What's the matter;

893
00:48:17,111 --> 00:48:18,460
-Are you all right;
-Papa!

894
00:48:18,634 --> 00:48:21,289
Okay, okay. Give the man
some room. Come on.

895
00:48:21,463 --> 00:48:22,987
Good old Nonno.

896
00:48:23,161 --> 00:48:25,641
He saved the best trick
in his arsenal for now.

897
00:48:25,815 --> 00:48:27,382
He was so convincing

898
00:48:27,556 --> 00:48:29,602
I almost believed he was
having a heart attack.

899
00:48:29,776 --> 00:48:31,038
Yard sale's over.

900
00:48:31,212 --> 00:48:32,257
Papa, speak to me!

901
00:48:32,431 --> 00:48:33,649
Good one, Nonno.

902
00:48:33,823 --> 00:48:34,737
Is anyone a doctor;

903
00:48:35,434 --> 00:48:37,697
Please, we need some help here.

904
00:48:43,746 --> 00:48:45,661
What's happening here;
I don't know...

905
00:48:45,835 --> 00:48:48,447
What is wrong; Daddy;

906
00:48:48,621 --> 00:48:50,579
-He's not breathing.
-What do you mean
he's not breathing;

907
00:48:50,753 --> 00:48:52,451
He doesn't have a pulse.
Somebody call 911!

908
00:48:52,625 --> 00:48:55,019
-Somebody call 911!
-Please call 911!

909
00:48:55,193 --> 00:48:56,934
- Nonno.
- Do it now!

910
00:48:57,108 --> 00:48:58,109
- Hurry! Hurry!
-Oh, God.
Oh, no, no.

911
00:48:58,283 --> 00:49:00,372
Nonno;

912
00:49:00,546 --> 00:49:02,330
Tell them you're
faking. Come on.

913
00:49:02,504 --> 00:49:03,984
-Come on, Nonno.
-Are you faking, Daddy;
He's not faking.

914
00:49:04,158 --> 00:49:05,464
He's not faking.

915
00:49:05,638 --> 00:49:07,466
Papa; Papa, speak to me.

916
00:49:09,294 --> 00:49:10,599
Oh, no!

917
00:49:20,261 --> 00:49:21,871
I didn't stand
under Erica's window

918
00:49:22,046 --> 00:49:23,743
for the next couple of days.

919
00:49:23,917 --> 00:49:25,788
I figured I was allowed.

920
00:49:25,963 --> 00:49:27,877
My Dad blamed me
for what happened.

921
00:49:28,574 --> 00:49:31,533
He said if I still decided
to continue with my lunacy

922
00:49:31,707 --> 00:49:33,361
he would continue
to lock me out.

923
00:49:34,014 --> 00:49:35,973
With an asshole like my Dad
I'm surprised

924
00:49:36,147 --> 00:49:38,801
- that I didn't inherit the asshole gene.
- -Peter...

925
00:49:51,553 --> 00:49:53,599
Is that what I think it is;

926
00:49:56,645 --> 00:49:59,083
Jesus. I'm getting excited

927
00:49:59,257 --> 00:50:01,650
right after my grandfather's
own funeral.

928
00:50:02,782 --> 00:50:04,349
You must think I'm sick.

929
00:50:07,743 --> 00:50:12,009
I just think it means Nonno's
spirit runs strong in you.

930
00:50:24,456 --> 00:50:27,241
Hey, brought back
your electric toothbrush.

931
00:50:31,724 --> 00:50:35,815
-How thoughtful.
-You know, it doesn't vibrate
as good as I thought it would.

932
00:50:35,989 --> 00:50:37,904
-Here, feel.
-No. I'm not touching that

933
00:50:38,078 --> 00:50:39,819
let alone putting it
in my mouth.

934
00:50:40,646 --> 00:50:43,518
-I washed it off, I swear.
-Just keep it.

935
00:50:44,737 --> 00:50:47,305
You're just in a crappy mood
'cause you realize
this Romeo act

936
00:50:47,479 --> 00:50:48,915
is a dumb-ass idea.

937
00:50:50,090 --> 00:50:52,049
I haven't decided
whether to give this up yet.

938
00:50:52,832 --> 00:50:54,051
Erica was so sweet today

939
00:50:54,225 --> 00:50:56,749
you could have poured her
over pancakes...

940
00:50:58,359 --> 00:50:59,839
...but she hasn't given me
any indication

941
00:51:00,013 --> 00:51:01,797
that I have a chance with her.

942
00:51:01,971 --> 00:51:04,365
Well, I'll tell you,
the fact that Nick's giving her

943
00:51:04,539 --> 00:51:07,890
the old roto-rooter
ain't a good sign.

944
00:51:08,456 --> 00:51:11,155
Nonno was the only one who
thought this was a good idea.

945
00:51:12,678 --> 00:51:14,549
Maybe I should just
bite the big one

946
00:51:14,723 --> 00:51:16,160
and call it quits.

947
00:51:17,378 --> 00:51:18,988
Bite away, my friend.

948
00:51:39,226 --> 00:51:42,273
You see; Nice guys
don't always finish last.

949
00:51:44,579 --> 00:51:46,364
You're not going
to give up now, are you;

950
00:51:49,410 --> 00:51:50,585
No.

951
00:51:50,759 --> 00:51:52,152
Oh, man,
your grandfather croaked

952
00:51:52,326 --> 00:51:53,675
and it was your perfect out.

953
00:51:57,418 --> 00:51:59,377
I started reading Casanova.

954
00:51:59,551 --> 00:52:02,380
I didn't know he got
syphilis five times.

955
00:52:02,554 --> 00:52:04,251
I should be so lucky.

956
00:52:04,425 --> 00:52:05,905
All the excitement
of the past days

957
00:52:06,079 --> 00:52:07,559
has completely lobotomized me

958
00:52:07,733 --> 00:52:09,082
to what was going on
across the street

959
00:52:09,256 --> 00:52:11,128
until I saw my man carry out

960
00:52:11,302 --> 00:52:12,651
some suspicious bags

961
00:52:12,825 --> 00:52:14,392
and put them
in the trunk of his car.

962
00:52:36,631 --> 00:52:39,721
A couple of nights later,
I had an unexpected visitor.

963
00:52:40,940 --> 00:52:42,898
It was Ms. Lewis,

964
00:52:43,072 --> 00:52:45,205
the pretty divorcee
from down the street.

965
00:52:45,858 --> 00:52:48,774
Her body was smoldering
like a lit cigarette.

966
00:52:52,908 --> 00:52:54,258
Hello, Peter.

967
00:52:56,260 --> 00:52:57,609
Ms. Lewis.

968
00:52:58,305 --> 00:53:00,525
I was hoping
you could cut my grass.

969
00:53:02,831 --> 00:53:04,703
I'm not mowing lawns this year.

970
00:53:05,530 --> 00:53:07,488
I'll make it worth your while

971
00:53:08,141 --> 00:53:11,927
and you won't have to bag it.

972
00:53:14,016 --> 00:53:15,322
I can't.

973
00:53:16,628 --> 00:53:18,151
What am I to do;

974
00:53:20,066 --> 00:53:24,157
It needs to be cut
at least twice a week.

975
00:53:24,940 --> 00:53:29,554
It grows... so... fast.

976
00:53:29,728 --> 00:53:30,990
She was coming on to me.

977
00:53:31,164 --> 00:53:32,513
I was paralyzed.

978
00:53:32,687 --> 00:53:34,211
I didn't know what to do.

979
00:53:34,733 --> 00:53:36,474
Fortunately, I didn't have
to do anything.

980
00:53:36,648 --> 00:53:37,953
She did it all.

981
00:53:39,999 --> 00:53:42,567
I thought,
this might be my chance.

982
00:53:42,741 --> 00:53:45,396
If Erica comes to the balcony
and sees me with another woman

983
00:53:45,570 --> 00:53:46,440
she'll be jealous.

984
00:53:47,049 --> 00:53:49,269
Stay away from him. He's my man.

985
00:53:49,443 --> 00:53:51,706
Then I had the fear that Erica
was just the type of girl

986
00:53:51,880 --> 00:53:53,447
who would enjoy watching.

987
00:53:54,970 --> 00:53:56,798
I decided to put my all into it.

988
00:53:57,582 --> 00:54:00,976
If Erica saw how good I was,
she would want me even more.

989
00:54:03,892 --> 00:54:05,503
But I also worried
she might be as harsh

990
00:54:05,677 --> 00:54:07,331
on my performance
as an east German judge.

991
00:54:09,637 --> 00:54:12,379
What was I doing;
If Erica sees me like this

992
00:54:12,553 --> 00:54:15,295
I will jeopardize all
I had worked for all summer.

993
00:54:15,469 --> 00:54:17,254
I had to stop, but Ms. Lewis...

994
00:54:17,428 --> 00:54:19,038
...was most persuasive.

995
00:54:19,647 --> 00:54:21,301
How could I tell her no now;

996
00:54:21,475 --> 00:54:25,174
I tried to think
of anything other than sex.

997
00:54:36,142 --> 00:54:37,317
What happened;

998
00:54:42,366 --> 00:54:43,541
I don't know.

999
00:54:44,455 --> 00:54:46,457
Maybe now is not a good time.

1000
00:54:47,849 --> 00:54:49,155
Perhaps it's...

1001
00:54:49,938 --> 00:54:51,200
...perhaps it's 'cause
I've been trying

1002
00:54:51,375 --> 00:54:53,725
to get this girl to notice me.

1003
00:54:54,943 --> 00:54:56,728
Yes, I know.

1004
00:54:57,990 --> 00:54:59,339
I know all about it.

1005
00:54:59,513 --> 00:55:01,298
It's what makes you so exciting.

1006
00:55:02,299 --> 00:55:04,562
I'm sorry.

1007
00:55:10,872 --> 00:55:12,309
Hey.

1008
00:55:16,138 --> 00:55:17,444
What happened to you;

1009
00:55:18,010 --> 00:55:20,447
I tried to become part
of that point 3%.

1010
00:55:22,101 --> 00:55:23,232
What do you mean;

1011
00:55:24,973 --> 00:55:27,976
Your Kinsey Reports.

1012
00:55:29,195 --> 00:55:32,111
I tried to suck myself off
and I hurt my neck.

1013
00:55:32,285 --> 00:55:34,026
Now I've got to wear
this stupid thing.

1014
00:55:35,636 --> 00:55:38,291
Hey, anything come
in the mail for me yet;

1015
00:55:38,465 --> 00:55:40,424
-Nope.
-What's the matter with you;

1016
00:55:41,816 --> 00:55:42,904
Nothing.

1017
00:55:43,557 --> 00:55:45,124
Something's wrong.

1018
00:55:45,298 --> 00:55:46,430
Nothing's wrong.

1019
00:55:46,604 --> 00:55:47,953
Yes, there is.

1020
00:55:49,302 --> 00:55:52,740
See, normally,
you would have asked me

1021
00:55:52,914 --> 00:55:55,308
if I succeeded in
my venture of self-fellatio.

1022
00:55:55,482 --> 00:55:56,831
But you didn't ask that.

1023
00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,139
Well, did you;

1024
00:56:00,835 --> 00:56:02,010
I will only tell you

1025
00:56:02,184 --> 00:56:03,708
when you tell me what's wrong.

1026
00:56:07,189 --> 00:56:08,103
Okay.

1027
00:56:09,061 --> 00:56:10,192
I succeeded.

1028
00:56:10,367 --> 00:56:11,280
You didn't.

1029
00:56:11,455 --> 00:56:13,761
Yeah. Only for a second, though,

1030
00:56:14,240 --> 00:56:16,111
before I snapped
something in my neck.

1031
00:56:16,938 --> 00:56:18,766
Did you know it tastes
like roast beef;

1032
00:56:19,767 --> 00:56:21,290
Which I actually
found reassuring.

1033
00:56:21,943 --> 00:56:24,859
See, I always thought that girls
must hate giving head.

1034
00:56:25,033 --> 00:56:26,295
But if you think about it,

1035
00:56:26,470 --> 00:56:27,862
it's kind of like
a trip to the sizzler.

1036
00:56:29,951 --> 00:56:31,953
Come on, tell me
what's bothering you.

1037
00:56:33,651 --> 00:56:35,000
I'm running out of time.

1038
00:56:36,001 --> 00:56:37,916
Erica leaves for college
in a couple of weeks.

1039
00:56:38,090 --> 00:56:40,222
I'm beginning to think
this isn't going to work.

1040
00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:42,311
She probably thinks
I'm even more of a schmuck
than before, you know;

1041
00:56:42,486 --> 00:56:44,052
Yeah, well, I told you so.

1042
00:56:44,618 --> 00:56:46,141
I don't need to hear that
from you.

1043
00:56:46,707 --> 00:56:48,666
You're supposed to be my friend.

1044
00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:51,930
I was just trying to give you
some good advice.

1045
00:56:52,104 --> 00:56:53,497
Good advice.

1046
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:57,370
Why would I take advice
from a guy who broke his neck

1047
00:56:57,544 --> 00:56:58,850
trying to suck his own dick;

1048
00:56:59,851 --> 00:57:01,896
Because I am enterprising.

1049
00:57:02,070 --> 00:57:03,550
Ah-ah.

1050
00:57:04,812 --> 00:57:07,989
There was one thing
I hadn't tried yet
to become Erica's love slave

1051
00:57:08,163 --> 00:57:10,905
and that was impressing her
by pissing her parents off.

1052
00:57:11,079 --> 00:57:13,342
Giuseppe had been working
on a plan.

1053
00:57:13,517 --> 00:57:15,867
We were just waiting
for the right opportunity.

1054
00:57:16,650 --> 00:57:18,217
Finally, it presented itself.

1055
00:57:18,783 --> 00:57:20,567
Erica's father and his
friends were competing

1056
00:57:20,741 --> 00:57:22,830
for some easter pageant contest

1057
00:57:23,004 --> 00:57:25,354
one where 12 guys in
bedsheets hold a pose

1058
00:57:25,529 --> 00:57:27,356
of Leonard da Vinci's
last supper

1059
00:57:27,531 --> 00:57:28,836
for over five minutes.

1060
00:57:29,402 --> 00:57:31,186
The team with the best
tableau gets to perform it

1061
00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:34,407
at the national cathedral
for the president or something.

1062
00:57:37,323 --> 00:57:38,846
Darn it, Phil. You moved.

1063
00:57:39,325 --> 00:57:41,458
I couldn't help it.
I had an itch.

1064
00:57:42,023 --> 00:57:43,895
We were only two minutes
and 13 seconds into it.

1065
00:57:44,069 --> 00:57:45,766
We have to hold it
over
twice
that long

1066
00:57:45,940 --> 00:57:47,594
if we stand any chance at
all to win this thing.

1067
00:57:47,768 --> 00:57:49,161
Well, it's easy for you.

1068
00:57:49,335 --> 00:57:50,902
You get to rest your elbows
on the table.

1069
00:57:51,076 --> 00:57:53,165
Try holding your arms out
like this for five minutes.

1070
00:57:53,339 --> 00:57:54,253
Erica's father
it's not that hard.

1071
00:57:54,427 --> 00:57:55,950
Yeah, then, you try it.

1072
00:57:56,124 --> 00:57:58,344
Why do you get to be Jesus
every year;

1073
00:57:58,953 --> 00:58:01,478
Because I organize this thing.
I'm the leader.

1074
00:58:01,652 --> 00:58:03,349
Well, I'm tired of playing Judas
all the time.

1075
00:58:03,523 --> 00:58:05,743
Come on, Phil,
you make a great Judas.

1076
00:58:07,527 --> 00:58:08,963
What is that supposed to mean;

1077
00:58:10,878 --> 00:58:13,011
And where do you think
you're going, young lady;

1078
00:58:13,751 --> 00:58:16,014
Nick got tickets
to Lollapalooza. So we're going.

1079
00:58:16,188 --> 00:58:18,190
Well, don't you remember;
I banned you from going out.

1080
00:58:18,364 --> 00:58:21,367
- Well, can't you make
an exception this one time;
-No.

1081
00:58:21,541 --> 00:58:22,934
You're not leaving this house.

1082
00:58:23,108 --> 00:58:24,544
Dad, what are you talking about;

1083
00:58:24,718 --> 00:58:26,154
- This is not fair.
- Nobody said

1084
00:58:26,328 --> 00:58:27,591
-growing up was fair.
-It is time, my friend.

1085
00:58:28,069 --> 00:58:29,897
You're treating me like I'm ten!

1086
00:58:30,071 --> 00:58:31,551
You're acting like you're ten!

1087
00:58:31,725 --> 00:58:33,901
No, I don't usually do this
but it is my res--

1088
00:58:34,075 --> 00:58:36,469
Let her go.
Or the baby Jesus gets it.

1089
00:58:37,557 --> 00:58:38,863
Peter, what...;

1090
00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,039
I mean it.

1091
00:58:46,087 --> 00:58:48,786
I cannot have you
desecrate the baby Jesus.

1092
00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:54,052
All right, Erica, you may go.

1093
00:59:00,101 --> 00:59:01,712
Now, give him to me.

1094
00:59:01,886 --> 00:59:04,149
I'll give him back
at the end of the summer

1095
00:59:04,323 --> 00:59:05,977
when Erica leaves for college.

1096
00:59:06,455 --> 00:59:08,327
It's not fair you keep her
locked up in here.

1097
00:59:08,501 --> 00:59:09,415
Why, you...

1098
00:59:10,068 --> 00:59:11,852
Get him!

1099
00:59:23,951 --> 00:59:25,474
So, how do you think
Jesus really feels

1100
00:59:25,649 --> 00:59:27,999
about having his name on
all those bumper stickers;

1101
00:59:38,270 --> 00:59:40,664
So, my father's pretty pissed.

1102
00:59:42,187 --> 00:59:43,101
Yeah.

1103
00:59:46,408 --> 00:59:48,367
You didn't have
to do that, you know.

1104
00:59:50,804 --> 00:59:52,023
I wanted to.

1105
00:59:55,548 --> 00:59:56,505
Thanks.

1106
01:00:07,081 --> 01:00:08,213
Well, good night.

1107
01:00:18,745 --> 01:00:20,965
What;

1108
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:24,098
She only gave you
a peck on the cheek
after what you did for her;

1109
01:00:24,708 --> 01:00:26,405
I know. What does that mean;

1110
01:00:26,579 --> 01:00:28,015
Well, I'll tell you
what it means.

1111
01:00:28,189 --> 01:00:29,538
It means you ain't never
going to make

1112
01:00:29,713 --> 01:00:31,758
the beast with two backs
with her, my friend.

1113
01:00:32,367 --> 01:00:34,456
I don't know.
We've been talking a lot lately.

1114
01:00:35,109 --> 01:00:36,894
Yeah, sure.
You're in the friends zone.

1115
01:00:37,459 --> 01:00:40,114
-Is that bad;
-Bad; It's the
worst.

1116
01:00:40,288 --> 01:00:41,768
Come on,
girls don't want a friend.

1117
01:00:41,942 --> 01:00:43,161
They want a human piston.

1118
01:00:43,901 --> 01:00:45,729
Well, maybe I still got a chance

1119
01:00:45,903 --> 01:00:48,470
of becoming her human
piston,
as you put it.

1120
01:00:49,036 --> 01:00:50,603
We're not that good of friends.

1121
01:00:50,777 --> 01:00:52,736
Are you kidding me; You're doing
life in the friends zone.

1122
01:00:53,388 --> 01:00:55,216
-You think so;
-I
know
so.

1123
01:01:02,484 --> 01:01:06,793
So, um, what's up with our,
uh, psycho killer over there
across the street;

1124
01:01:06,967 --> 01:01:09,753
Well, I snuck over there
the other night

1125
01:01:09,927 --> 01:01:11,537
to take a peek
at what he was up to.

1126
01:01:12,016 --> 01:01:13,974
-He nearly caught me.
-See, I told you.

1127
01:01:14,148 --> 01:01:17,021
-I knew it. The guy's nuts.
-I'm not so sure.

1128
01:01:17,717 --> 01:01:20,546
The past couple of nights
I've seen him take
several garbage bags out

1129
01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:24,811
-filled with something.
-Bet you he was taking his
wife out, piece by piece.

1130
01:01:24,985 --> 01:01:26,639
That's a lot of bags
for just one person.

1131
01:01:27,292 --> 01:01:28,989
Maybe he was taking
out his whole family.

1132
01:01:29,773 --> 01:01:31,383
I know I've thought
about it myself.

1133
01:01:32,732 --> 01:01:33,994
I don't think he has any family.

1134
01:01:35,604 --> 01:01:37,519
Oh! It's here, man!

1135
01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:39,434
- There you go.
- Yes, it's here!

1136
01:01:39,608 --> 01:01:41,654
-It's finally here!
-What's finally here;

1137
01:01:42,220 --> 01:01:43,787
It's an Orgasmatron.

1138
01:01:43,961 --> 01:01:46,964
I ordered it in shaved magazine.
Check it out. See;

1139
01:01:47,138 --> 01:01:49,183
It runs on battery or A.C.

1140
01:01:49,357 --> 01:01:50,924
It's a new era, Pete.

1141
01:01:51,098 --> 01:01:52,883
Look, you know
they have a name now

1142
01:01:53,057 --> 01:01:54,754
for electronic sex;

1143
01:01:54,928 --> 01:01:55,886
What's that;

1144
01:01:56,060 --> 01:01:57,409
"Dildonics."

1145
01:01:57,583 --> 01:01:59,367
Pretty cool, ah-ah;

1146
01:02:00,455 --> 01:02:02,022
Dildonics.

1147
01:02:03,154 --> 01:02:04,851
It kind of makes you
sound like a homo.

1148
01:02:06,810 --> 01:02:08,115
Wow.

1149
01:02:08,289 --> 01:02:09,682
I never thought of it like that.

1150
01:02:10,422 --> 01:02:12,859
Anyway, it's a bold,
new frontier, man.

1151
01:02:13,425 --> 01:02:14,992
I'll let you borrow it
any time you want.

1152
01:02:17,037 --> 01:02:17,951
Hmm...

1153
01:02:22,913 --> 01:02:26,481
-That's okay.
-Listen, with the way
things are going with you

1154
01:02:26,655 --> 01:02:29,267
you may want to consider
my plan of self-sufficiency.

1155
01:02:32,183 --> 01:02:34,098
Ha! Whoa!

1156
01:02:34,663 --> 01:02:37,623
The friends zone had
an incredible hold on me.

1157
01:02:37,797 --> 01:02:40,539
I couldn't escape
its hellish grasp.

1158
01:02:40,713 --> 01:02:44,151
So, who would you rather be,
Paul McCartney or John Lennon;

1159
01:02:44,325 --> 01:02:46,110
That's obvious, John Lennon.

1160
01:02:46,284 --> 01:02:48,634
-Yeah, but you'd be dead now.
-So what;

1161
01:02:48,808 --> 01:02:51,158
At least I'd be the coolest
of all The Beatles.

1162
01:02:51,768 --> 01:02:54,118
I don't know.
He did marry Yoko Ono.

1163
01:02:55,336 --> 01:02:57,164
I think people underestimate
Paul McCartney.

1164
01:02:57,338 --> 01:02:58,557
I mean, he's written
some pretty good music.

1165
01:02:58,731 --> 01:03:00,864
Like "Ebony and Ivory";

1166
01:03:01,995 --> 01:03:03,562
Okay, you're right.

1167
01:03:04,519 --> 01:03:07,087
You know, I don't think it'd be
so hard being a songwriter.

1168
01:03:07,261 --> 01:03:09,611
-Oh, yeah;
-I mean, if you're a novelist

1169
01:03:09,786 --> 01:03:11,831
you have to come up with
every sentence and every word.

1170
01:03:12,005 --> 01:03:13,920
If you're a businessman,
your reports have to be

1171
01:03:14,094 --> 01:03:17,097
well thought out with real sound
financial conclusions, right;

1172
01:03:17,271 --> 01:03:19,534
-Right.
-But if you're a songwriter

1173
01:03:19,708 --> 01:03:22,059
and you can't figure out
how to end a song

1174
01:03:22,233 --> 01:03:23,625
you just fade out.

1175
01:03:24,626 --> 01:03:25,497
It's easy.

1176
01:03:25,671 --> 01:03:27,455
Yeah, you're right.

1177
01:03:27,629 --> 01:03:31,503
What other job let's you
finish it up by just fading out;

1178
01:03:32,199 --> 01:03:33,810
A film director.

1179
01:03:39,250 --> 01:03:41,295
So, it went on like this.

1180
01:03:41,469 --> 01:03:45,560
Maybe Erica was right
we were "just friends."

1181
01:03:45,734 --> 01:03:47,388
So, you never told me.

1182
01:03:47,562 --> 01:03:49,260
What's the worst thing
your parents ever did to you;

1183
01:03:49,826 --> 01:03:51,958
I guess the worst thing
my dad ever did was

1184
01:03:52,132 --> 01:03:54,656
speak at career day
to my third-grade class.

1185
01:03:55,483 --> 01:03:56,833
He talked for over half an hour

1186
01:03:57,007 --> 01:03:59,139
about the joys
of being a radiologist

1187
01:03:59,618 --> 01:04:02,534
and then proceeded
to treat the entire class

1188
01:04:02,708 --> 01:04:04,231
to a chocolate barium.

1189
01:04:04,405 --> 01:04:05,754
That's bad.

1190
01:04:07,713 --> 01:04:08,845
So, what about you;

1191
01:04:10,063 --> 01:04:12,196
It must've been
the time I was five.

1192
01:04:12,674 --> 01:04:15,547
My dad and I were at
the lighthouse Christian store.

1193
01:04:15,721 --> 01:04:19,507
It was January and he was buying
Christmas cards.

1194
01:04:19,681 --> 01:04:22,684
He always does that,
buys Christmas cards in January

1195
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:24,991
when the previous year's
selection go on sale.

1196
01:04:25,165 --> 01:04:27,167
Anyway, I had just learned
to count

1197
01:04:27,341 --> 01:04:28,603
so I was always counting things,

1198
01:04:28,777 --> 01:04:29,953
you know, like the number
of stoplights

1199
01:04:30,127 --> 01:04:31,563
on the way to the store,
stuff like that.

1200
01:04:32,564 --> 01:04:35,915
When the cashier gave my dad
his change back, I had noticed

1201
01:04:36,089 --> 01:04:37,743
that she had given him
the wrong amount.

1202
01:04:38,352 --> 01:04:40,354
She'd given him too much...

1203
01:04:41,399 --> 01:04:43,792
And I looked up at my dad
and he had noticed, too.

1204
01:04:44,881 --> 01:04:46,012
But he didn't do anything.

1205
01:04:46,839 --> 01:04:48,362
He just took the money

1206
01:04:48,536 --> 01:04:50,408
and put it in his wallet
and we left.

1207
01:04:50,582 --> 01:04:51,800
Wow.

1208
01:04:52,323 --> 01:04:54,194
It was right then, I guess,

1209
01:04:54,934 --> 01:04:57,806
that I stopped believing
my parents were perfect people.

1210
01:05:01,941 --> 01:05:02,986
Well,

1211
01:05:03,900 --> 01:05:05,249
good night, Peter.

1212
01:05:08,730 --> 01:05:09,818
Night.

1213
01:05:12,343 --> 01:05:15,085
If Erica had lost all trust
in her parents

1214
01:05:15,259 --> 01:05:16,651
how could she trust anything;

1215
01:05:17,478 --> 01:05:19,176
How could she trust
that I loved her;

1216
01:05:19,741 --> 01:05:22,527
I was beginning
to think Matt was right.

1217
01:05:22,701 --> 01:05:26,661
I had tried everything
to win over my beloved Erica,
but nothing had worked.

1218
01:05:26,835 --> 01:05:28,576
Nothing was going to work.

1219
01:05:28,750 --> 01:05:30,274
All it had done was strand me
in the friends zone

1220
01:05:30,448 --> 01:05:31,971
like Charlton Heston
being marooned

1221
01:05:32,145 --> 01:05:33,494
in the
Planet of the Apes.

1222
01:05:33,668 --> 01:05:35,061
I was so unhappy...

1223
01:05:35,235 --> 01:05:36,323
...whereas my best bud Matt

1224
01:05:36,497 --> 01:05:37,498
had fallen in love with a robot

1225
01:05:37,672 --> 01:05:39,196
which gives blow jobs.

1226
01:05:41,415 --> 01:05:44,027
Maybe I was the strange one,
not him.

1227
01:05:44,201 --> 01:05:45,158
At least he was happy.

1228
01:05:47,247 --> 01:05:48,509
My dick!

1229
01:05:48,683 --> 01:05:49,946
My dick!

1230
01:06:22,674 --> 01:06:24,110
Here, you try.

1231
01:06:25,590 --> 01:06:27,505
-It's silly.
-So what; It's fun.

1232
01:06:27,679 --> 01:06:29,333
It'll make you feel
like a kid again.

1233
01:06:29,507 --> 01:06:31,117
Now, go on!

1234
01:06:31,291 --> 01:06:32,640
That's it.

1235
01:06:33,206 --> 01:06:35,382
Go! Have fun.

1236
01:07:31,351 --> 01:07:33,527
You know,
everybody thinks you're crazy.

1237
01:07:33,701 --> 01:07:34,920
So what;

1238
01:07:36,748 --> 01:07:39,316
Well, I mean, you got to admit

1239
01:07:39,490 --> 01:07:40,665
you do some pretty weird things.

1240
01:07:40,839 --> 01:07:42,275
I don't think so.

1241
01:07:44,147 --> 01:07:45,104
Well,

1242
01:07:46,192 --> 01:07:49,108
explain why you sometimes go
out to your car and eat dinner.

1243
01:07:49,848 --> 01:07:51,502
My car radio gets
better reception

1244
01:07:51,676 --> 01:07:52,938
than the one on my stereo.

1245
01:07:53,112 --> 01:07:55,071
I go out there
to listen to my opera.

1246
01:07:58,422 --> 01:08:00,424
What about doing your gardening
in a scuba mask;

1247
01:08:00,598 --> 01:08:03,514
I love to garden,
but I'm allergic to pollen.

1248
01:08:04,645 --> 01:08:06,212
It's the only way
I can work in the yard

1249
01:08:06,386 --> 01:08:08,519
without having
my eyes all tear up.

1250
01:08:11,391 --> 01:08:12,131
Okay,

1251
01:08:12,305 --> 01:08:13,741
but admit it,

1252
01:08:13,915 --> 01:08:15,874
cutting your grass in the middle
of the night...

1253
01:08:16,918 --> 01:08:18,094
...it's a little strange.

1254
01:08:18,268 --> 01:08:19,791
With this humidity;

1255
01:08:19,965 --> 01:08:22,794
Night time's the only sane
time to cut the grass.

1256
01:08:23,621 --> 01:08:25,753
What about sitting
on your roof with the telephone;

1257
01:08:25,927 --> 01:08:27,190
Oh, that.

1258
01:08:28,408 --> 01:08:30,062
My best friend Mabel lives

1259
01:08:30,236 --> 01:08:32,282
just a couple of blocks
away from here.

1260
01:08:33,979 --> 01:08:37,374
She's going senile,
but she won't admit it

1261
01:08:37,548 --> 01:08:40,028
and she insists
on driving her car.

1262
01:08:40,203 --> 01:08:44,207
So, when she's coming over
to visit, I go up on my roof.

1263
01:08:45,556 --> 01:08:47,949
I can see her back
out of her driveway

1264
01:08:48,515 --> 01:08:52,693
and, if she makes a wrong turn
I call her on her car phone
and give her directions.

1265
01:08:52,867 --> 01:08:53,999
Voila!

1266
01:08:57,698 --> 01:08:58,612
It all makes sense.

1267
01:08:58,786 --> 01:09:00,614
Everything does.

1268
01:09:02,225 --> 01:09:04,444
It just depends on
your perspective.

1269
01:09:08,927 --> 01:09:10,972
This is the worst day
of my life.

1270
01:09:11,147 --> 01:09:13,497
The Orgasmatron shorted out
on me...

1271
01:09:14,411 --> 01:09:16,587
...gave my penis
an electric shock.

1272
01:09:17,153 --> 01:09:18,241
You didn't like that;

1273
01:09:18,415 --> 01:09:19,677
No, you don't understand, okay;

1274
01:09:19,851 --> 01:09:21,331
I can't get it up anymore.

1275
01:09:21,505 --> 01:09:22,854
It doesn't work.

1276
01:09:23,028 --> 01:09:24,595
Just leave it alone
for a little while.

1277
01:09:24,769 --> 01:09:26,640
I'm sure it just needs
a little RandR.

1278
01:09:26,814 --> 01:09:28,164
Yeah, I know, I tried that.

1279
01:09:28,338 --> 01:09:30,470
I waited all morning
and then tried it again.

1280
01:09:30,644 --> 01:09:32,037
It still doesn't work.

1281
01:09:32,211 --> 01:09:34,300
I can't even get it to go
to half-mast.

1282
01:09:35,606 --> 01:09:39,871
Hey, what if you're right;
What if a guy only has
a finite number of erections

1283
01:09:40,045 --> 01:09:41,742
and I've used all mine up;

1284
01:09:42,961 --> 01:09:44,136
Well, what are you going to do;

1285
01:09:44,963 --> 01:09:47,400
I do have an emergency
plan for such an event

1286
01:09:48,140 --> 01:09:51,056
but, uh,
I'm going to need your help.

1287
01:09:52,884 --> 01:09:54,233
No way, man.

1288
01:09:54,407 --> 01:09:55,539
It's too weird for me.

1289
01:09:56,496 --> 01:09:57,845
Come on, man.

1290
01:09:58,019 --> 01:09:59,847
Look, it's nothing
like that, okay;

1291
01:10:01,545 --> 01:10:04,374
I got some money saved up
and there's this lady
on the boulevard, right;

1292
01:10:05,070 --> 01:10:07,420
Let's just say
she's an experienced lady.

1293
01:10:08,639 --> 01:10:11,250
For 100 bucks,
she'll do it any way you want.

1294
01:10:11,424 --> 01:10:12,860
What do you need me for;

1295
01:10:13,034 --> 01:10:15,515
I can't do this alone.
I need you to go with me.

1296
01:10:15,689 --> 01:10:17,604
Now, I got $150 saved up.

1297
01:10:17,778 --> 01:10:19,998
Hey, we can work
a two-for-one deal.

1298
01:10:20,607 --> 01:10:21,826
No way.

1299
01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:23,567
Come on, man.

1300
01:10:23,741 --> 01:10:25,569
I'll even take sloppy seconds.

1301
01:10:29,486 --> 01:10:31,662
Just forget it.

1302
01:10:31,836 --> 01:10:34,447
I've only got a few days
left to win Erica's love.

1303
01:10:34,621 --> 01:10:36,797
Even if she doesn't
fall in love with me

1304
01:10:37,450 --> 01:10:39,713
I've decided to stick it out
until the end of the summer.

1305
01:10:40,236 --> 01:10:41,759
That way, I know
I've tried everything.

1306
01:10:42,281 --> 01:10:43,543
Please, man.

1307
01:10:44,588 --> 01:10:46,590
Come on, man, it's an emergency.

1308
01:10:46,764 --> 01:10:48,026
I need your help.

1309
01:10:49,506 --> 01:10:50,985
I can't.

1310
01:10:51,682 --> 01:10:53,249
What kind of friend are you;

1311
01:10:53,901 --> 01:10:56,295
I mean, you spend
our last great summer together

1312
01:10:56,469 --> 01:10:58,515
standing under some
stupid girl's window

1313
01:10:58,689 --> 01:11:00,168
and do I say a word
about it to you;

1314
01:11:00,343 --> 01:11:01,735
No, not once...

1315
01:11:01,909 --> 01:11:03,302
But, then, when I need you

1316
01:11:03,476 --> 01:11:04,651
in the middle of
the biggest crisis

1317
01:11:04,825 --> 01:11:05,739
of my entire life

1318
01:11:05,913 --> 01:11:07,611
you don't even consider it;

1319
01:11:08,394 --> 01:11:09,961
You're a dickwad, you know that;

1320
01:11:10,135 --> 01:11:12,572
Yeah, no wonder Erica
doesn't like you.

1321
01:11:14,182 --> 01:11:15,009
Take it back.

1322
01:11:15,183 --> 01:11:17,011
No. No.

1323
01:11:17,185 --> 01:11:18,709
You know what;
You're an ass-wipe

1324
01:11:18,883 --> 01:11:20,232
and she's never
going to love you.

1325
01:11:20,885 --> 01:11:22,190
-Take it back!
-No! Come on!

1326
01:11:22,365 --> 01:11:23,540
Yeah, yeah, take it back!

1327
01:11:23,714 --> 01:11:24,671
-No!
-Yeah, yeah!

1328
01:11:24,845 --> 01:11:26,238
Come here!

1329
01:11:26,412 --> 01:11:27,413
Ow! My neck, man!

1330
01:11:27,587 --> 01:11:28,501
Come on! My neck!

1331
01:11:28,675 --> 01:11:29,502
Get off!

1332
01:11:34,159 --> 01:11:36,596
Pretty stupid, too, pal.

1333
01:11:36,770 --> 01:11:38,598
Maybe I was stupid.

1334
01:11:38,772 --> 01:11:40,600
That afternoon
my dad gave me proof

1335
01:11:40,774 --> 01:11:43,211
that I have inherited
this trait from him.

1336
01:11:43,386 --> 01:11:45,213
I had just finished
Casanova

1337
01:11:45,388 --> 01:11:47,694
and had begun reading the
love poems of Robert Browning

1338
01:11:47,868 --> 01:11:49,914
and his wife
Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

1339
01:11:50,088 --> 01:11:52,133
She's the one who wrote,
"How do I love thee;

1340
01:11:52,308 --> 01:11:54,005
Let me count the ways..."

1341
01:11:54,179 --> 01:11:56,137
Anyway, it was
my parents' anniversary

1342
01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:59,227
and my father made the mistake
of getting the wrong gift.

1343
01:12:07,366 --> 01:12:09,150
I'm sorry, honey.

1344
01:12:11,065 --> 01:12:12,980
<i>Life was good...</i>

1345
01:12:14,591 --> 01:12:16,419
My dad tried to salvage
the situation

1346
01:12:16,593 --> 01:12:18,290
by rushing out
to the jewelry store.

1347
01:12:20,684 --> 01:12:21,946
But that wasn't enough.

1348
01:12:22,120 --> 01:12:23,600
When he came home,

1349
01:12:23,774 --> 01:12:26,080
he was in for a big surprise.

1350
01:12:27,212 --> 01:12:29,649
<i>I saw a change</i>

1351
01:12:30,911 --> 01:12:33,653
<i>In the heart of love</i>

1352
01:12:36,482 --> 01:12:39,746
<i>Under a liar's moon...</i>

1353
01:12:42,706 --> 01:12:44,621
Honey, come on,
let me in, please;

1354
01:12:47,232 --> 01:12:50,017
Sweetheart, I, I got you
another present, see;

1355
01:12:51,671 --> 01:12:54,544
<i>You tell me that you love me</i>

1356
01:12:54,718 --> 01:12:58,199
<i>But you don't get my style</i>

1357
01:12:59,766 --> 01:13:01,768
<i>You just don't care</i>

1358
01:13:03,466 --> 01:13:05,859
<i>And I care too much</i>

1359
01:13:07,513 --> 01:13:10,864
<i>I'm under a liar's...</i>

1360
01:13:11,038 --> 01:13:12,605
May I join you;

1361
01:13:17,654 --> 01:13:18,611
Guess so.

1362
01:13:40,894 --> 01:13:42,766
I always thought
my dad was pretty lame.

1363
01:13:43,375 --> 01:13:47,379
What did it say about me
now that my dad was using
my strategy to win Erica

1364
01:13:47,553 --> 01:13:49,425
to score points with mom;

1365
01:13:53,298 --> 01:13:55,256
I hoped my dad would have
more luck with my mom

1366
01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,171
than I was having with Erica.

1367
01:13:57,824 --> 01:14:00,044
He was beginning to get
on my nerves.

1368
01:14:04,222 --> 01:14:05,615
You ever tried that one on Mom;

1369
01:14:06,224 --> 01:14:07,355
No.

1370
01:14:09,793 --> 01:14:10,924
How about that;

1371
01:14:12,535 --> 01:14:13,666
No.

1372
01:14:15,973 --> 01:14:18,497
You've been married 18 years,
you haven't tried that;

1373
01:14:20,325 --> 01:14:22,327
Uh, that area's
a big mystery to me.

1374
01:14:22,501 --> 01:14:24,416
I've, I've never been
able to figure it out.

1375
01:14:25,112 --> 01:14:26,723
No wonder she's so mad at you.

1376
01:14:28,333 --> 01:14:29,900
Do you really think
she wants that;

1377
01:14:31,989 --> 01:14:32,990
Of course, she does.

1378
01:14:33,164 --> 01:14:34,513
You read what the book says.

1379
01:14:44,654 --> 01:14:45,437
Thanks, Peter.

1380
01:15:54,071 --> 01:15:55,942
Jesus Christ!

1381
01:15:56,116 --> 01:15:58,902
Now even my dad was getting
more action than I was.

1382
01:16:34,415 --> 01:16:35,547
Hey-ho, Peter.

1383
01:16:40,378 --> 01:16:43,337
-What's this;
-This is breakfast.

1384
01:16:47,733 --> 01:16:49,039
But I thought that...

1385
01:16:49,213 --> 01:16:51,998
Look, I was all wrong
about all this.

1386
01:16:52,172 --> 01:16:54,044
I'm... I'm very sorry.

1387
01:16:54,218 --> 01:16:57,003
Oh, and, uh, here's
a copy of the house key.

1388
01:16:57,177 --> 01:16:59,658
You can come back inside
anytime you want.

1389
01:17:06,709 --> 01:17:07,535
Thanks.

1390
01:17:08,798 --> 01:17:09,842
And, son...

1391
01:17:12,715 --> 01:17:13,759
I love you.

1392
01:17:17,284 --> 01:17:19,722
You know the sad man
across the street;

1393
01:17:19,896 --> 01:17:21,462
You know, the one
who pushes his wife around

1394
01:17:21,637 --> 01:17:22,681
in the wheelchair all the time;

1395
01:17:23,421 --> 01:17:26,642
Well, I don't see her
around there anymore,

1396
01:17:27,425 --> 01:17:29,296
like she's, she's gone.

1397
01:17:30,167 --> 01:17:31,734
And I've been watching
them all summer

1398
01:17:31,908 --> 01:17:33,170
and secretly,
he's been taking things

1399
01:17:33,344 --> 01:17:35,433
in and out of the house.

1400
01:17:35,607 --> 01:17:38,305
Wait, so you think
he killed his wife;

1401
01:17:38,479 --> 01:17:39,480
Yeah.

1402
01:17:40,177 --> 01:17:41,047
That's bull.

1403
01:17:42,353 --> 01:17:44,442
-I don't believe that.
-Yeah;

1404
01:17:45,008 --> 01:17:46,836
Well, why don't you
go over there

1405
01:17:47,010 --> 01:17:48,141
and check it out;

1406
01:17:48,838 --> 01:17:50,056
'Cause I got better things to do

1407
01:17:50,230 --> 01:17:51,667
than prowl around
some guy's backyard.

1408
01:17:52,972 --> 01:17:54,017
I dare you to go.

1409
01:17:54,191 --> 01:17:55,801
Oh, I'm not going over there.

1410
01:17:55,975 --> 01:17:57,585
I almost got caught last time.

1411
01:17:57,760 --> 01:17:58,978
I dare you both.

1412
01:18:01,241 --> 01:18:02,373
Look, we'll all go.

1413
01:18:04,897 --> 01:18:06,594
So, we crossed the street

1414
01:18:06,769 --> 01:18:08,901
to find out what happened
to the man's wife.

1415
01:18:09,641 --> 01:18:12,296
Making sure we didn't get
run over by Mr. Mays.

1416
01:18:14,733 --> 01:18:16,300
- It's locked.
Come on.
-Erica, wait.

1417
01:18:16,474 --> 01:18:18,171
All right, all right.

1418
01:18:21,827 --> 01:18:24,438
-No, don't open the door, don't.
-It's unlocked.

1419
01:18:26,484 --> 01:18:27,615
Go...

1420
01:18:30,531 --> 01:18:31,968
I knew you'd come back.

1421
01:18:32,969 --> 01:18:35,188
You want to see what's inside;

1422
01:18:35,754 --> 01:18:37,625
Want to see what I've done;

1423
01:18:39,192 --> 01:18:41,107
I'll show you what I've done.

1424
01:18:48,462 --> 01:18:51,117
-No, no, no! No, no.
-No! No! No!

1425
01:18:57,384 --> 01:18:59,299
-Please, no...
-You've been waiting
all summer long.

1426
01:18:59,473 --> 01:19:01,214
- Relax, relax.
- No, we haven't.

1427
01:19:01,388 --> 01:19:02,868
No. Let us go.

1428
01:19:03,042 --> 01:19:04,435
Come on, we didn't do anything!

1429
01:19:04,609 --> 01:19:06,611
Get in the swimming pool.

1430
01:19:17,013 --> 01:19:20,059
This... this is what I've done.

1431
01:19:20,625 --> 01:19:22,453
You built a swimming pool
in your living room;

1432
01:19:22,627 --> 01:19:24,934
No, not just a swimming pool.

1433
01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:30,809
I built paradise.

1434
01:19:30,983 --> 01:19:34,857
A tropical... paradise.

1435
01:19:37,294 --> 01:19:38,295
Honey...

1436
01:19:40,123 --> 01:19:41,864
What's going on;

1437
01:19:42,342 --> 01:19:43,300
Nothing, my dear.

1438
01:19:43,474 --> 01:19:45,041
Just some guests.

1439
01:19:47,217 --> 01:19:48,522
My wife and I...

1440
01:19:50,742 --> 01:19:52,875
...wanted to go back to Tahiti

1441
01:19:53,049 --> 01:19:54,833
for our second honeymoon.

1442
01:19:56,966 --> 01:19:57,880
But then...

1443
01:19:59,272 --> 01:20:00,796
...she got so sick...

1444
01:20:02,928 --> 01:20:06,062
...she really loves the water,
you see;

1445
01:20:07,846 --> 01:20:11,023
I wanted to build a pool
in our backyard,

1446
01:20:11,197 --> 01:20:16,028
but the city wouldn't give me
the permit in time.

1447
01:20:17,813 --> 01:20:19,075
So...

1448
01:20:19,727 --> 01:20:23,862
I built it here, secret.

1449
01:20:25,908 --> 01:20:27,083
For her...

1450
01:20:29,215 --> 01:20:30,782
So that my love and I...

1451
01:20:32,828 --> 01:20:34,612
...can go back to paradise.

1452
01:20:39,747 --> 01:20:41,749
You won't tell anyone, will you;

1453
01:20:45,057 --> 01:20:47,755
"Where the apple reddens,
never pry

1454
01:20:48,844 --> 01:20:51,585
lest we lose our Edens,
Eve and I."

1455
01:21:06,949 --> 01:21:07,950
Hi.

1456
01:21:09,386 --> 01:21:10,300
Hi.

1457
01:21:11,867 --> 01:21:15,000
So, listen, um...
I'm leaving tomorrow.

1458
01:21:17,307 --> 01:21:18,438
Where you going;

1459
01:21:19,918 --> 01:21:21,398
You're not going to believe this

1460
01:21:21,572 --> 01:21:24,531
but, uh, I decided
I'm going to go to college.

1461
01:21:26,490 --> 01:21:27,752
Right.

1462
01:21:27,926 --> 01:21:29,319
Good.

1463
01:21:29,493 --> 01:21:31,321
Erica's leaving
for college, too.

1464
01:21:31,495 --> 01:21:32,583
Uh-huh.

1465
01:21:34,367 --> 01:21:35,412
Where is she;

1466
01:21:36,239 --> 01:21:37,109
She's with Nick.

1467
01:21:37,762 --> 01:21:38,632
He broke his leg.

1468
01:21:39,416 --> 01:21:41,418
-Too bad.
-Yeah.

1469
01:21:41,592 --> 01:21:43,072
Lost his football scholarship.

1470
01:21:43,246 --> 01:21:45,074
Mm, like I said, too bad.

1471
01:21:50,731 --> 01:21:53,430
So, um, I guess
I won't be seeing you around.

1472
01:21:55,432 --> 01:21:58,304
No, um... I guess not.

1473
01:22:02,700 --> 01:22:03,831
Peter, listen...

1474
01:22:05,833 --> 01:22:07,574
...I, I was kind of hoping that

1475
01:22:08,401 --> 01:22:10,360
we could spend
my last day here together.

1476
01:22:11,448 --> 01:22:12,753
Elliot's having this party

1477
01:22:12,928 --> 01:22:14,233
and I thought, you know,
maybe we could go.

1478
01:22:16,540 --> 01:22:17,715
Sounds good...

1479
01:22:19,021 --> 01:22:21,501
...but what if Erica,

1480
01:22:21,675 --> 01:22:23,416
-you know...;
-Yeah. Erica.

1481
01:22:24,417 --> 01:22:27,203
Well, I'll, um, I'll see you.

1482
01:22:33,035 --> 01:22:34,166
Screw Erica.

1483
01:22:37,561 --> 01:22:38,475
What;

1484
01:22:39,171 --> 01:22:39,998
I said

1485
01:22:40,607 --> 01:22:41,957
screw Erica.

1486
01:22:43,871 --> 01:22:47,701
I mean, if she's not willing
to give me a chance by now
then she's nuts.

1487
01:22:47,875 --> 01:22:50,835
No other man would go
through what I did for her.

1488
01:22:52,358 --> 01:22:54,665
If that love isn't good
enough for her, well, so be it.

1489
01:22:55,840 --> 01:22:58,712
I mean, there are plenty
of other beautiful

1490
01:22:58,886 --> 01:23:00,758
mature women that want me.

1491
01:23:02,499 --> 01:23:05,850
I even passed up a night
with Ms. Lewis for Erica.

1492
01:23:06,894 --> 01:23:09,288
You passed up
"melon breasts" Lewis;

1493
01:23:09,462 --> 01:23:12,552
If she doesn't love me by now,
then I don't love her.

1494
01:23:13,379 --> 01:23:14,772
Besides, she even thinks
Roger Moore

1495
01:23:14,946 --> 01:23:16,295
is the best James Bond.

1496
01:23:16,469 --> 01:23:17,688
Huh;

1497
01:23:19,820 --> 01:23:20,778
Come on, let's go.

1498
01:23:21,431 --> 01:23:22,258
All right.

1499
01:23:24,608 --> 01:23:27,045
So, listen,
did I, uh, tell you

1500
01:23:27,219 --> 01:23:29,526
I revised my theory
on self-sufficiency;

1501
01:23:29,700 --> 01:23:32,007
I'm against it now.
It's a little lonely.

1502
01:23:36,446 --> 01:23:39,753
Peter;
Peter, I need to talk to you.

1503
01:23:40,798 --> 01:23:42,017
Peter;

1504
01:23:49,067 --> 01:23:50,112
Peter;

1505
01:24:12,351 --> 01:24:13,396
Hi, Peter.

1506
01:24:13,570 --> 01:24:14,527
Hi, Ms. Lewis.

1507
01:24:15,441 --> 01:24:16,921
What have you boys been up to;

1508
01:24:18,966 --> 01:24:19,837
Well,

1509
01:24:20,403 --> 01:24:21,708
we just got back from a party.

1510
01:24:21,882 --> 01:24:23,449
Now everybody's
going off for college

1511
01:24:23,623 --> 01:24:26,496
so it was the last hurrah.

1512
01:24:27,279 --> 01:24:28,541
Oh. Sounds like fun.

1513
01:24:29,629 --> 01:24:32,415
Would you boys like to come in
for a cup of

1514
01:24:32,980 --> 01:24:34,199
hot cocoa;

1515
01:24:37,681 --> 01:24:39,248
Uh... No, thanks.

1516
01:24:42,947 --> 01:24:44,253
This is my friend, Matt.

1517
01:24:44,949 --> 01:24:46,429
Ah-ah.

1518
01:24:47,038 --> 01:24:47,995
Hi!

1519
01:24:48,822 --> 01:24:49,736
Hi.

1520
01:24:51,912 --> 01:24:53,479
I would, uh,

1521
01:24:54,001 --> 01:24:55,612
love a cup of cocoa.

1522
01:24:56,743 --> 01:25:00,704
<i>...but I can't get you
out of my heart</i>

1523
01:25:00,878 --> 01:25:02,619
<i>Come on in</i>

1524
01:25:02,793 --> 01:25:05,752
<i>When the birds sing
all about you</i>

1525
01:25:05,926 --> 01:25:07,580
<i>The saddest harmony</i>

1526
01:25:07,754 --> 01:25:10,279
<i>Is always to part...</i>

1527
01:25:10,453 --> 01:25:11,454
Ah-ah.

1528
01:25:11,628 --> 01:25:13,760
<i>...with you</i>

1529
01:25:13,934 --> 01:25:17,155
<i>You change everything
that's blue...</i>

1530
01:25:17,329 --> 01:25:18,069
It works.

1531
01:25:18,243 --> 01:25:19,592
It actually works!

1532
01:25:19,766 --> 01:25:20,724
Ah-ah!

1533
01:25:20,898 --> 01:25:22,117
It works!

1534
01:25:48,708 --> 01:25:49,927
Erica;

1535
01:25:53,974 --> 01:25:54,888
Peter.

1536
01:26:08,293 --> 01:26:09,381
I missed you.

1537
01:28:04,366 --> 01:28:05,802
So, that's my story.

1538
01:28:05,976 --> 01:28:07,325
It's all true

1539
01:28:07,499 --> 01:28:09,632
give or take
a few minor details.

1540
01:28:09,806 --> 01:28:11,764
My grandfather was right.

1541
01:28:11,938 --> 01:28:13,592
I now know in my heart of hearts

1542
01:28:13,766 --> 01:28:15,768
that people
are supposed to make love.

1543
01:28:15,942 --> 01:28:17,857
It is our main purpose in life.

1544
01:28:18,031 --> 01:28:19,424
All those other activities,

1545
01:28:19,598 --> 01:28:21,600
playing the violin,
washing dishes

1546
01:28:21,774 --> 01:28:23,907
reading novels, drinking wine,

1547
01:28:24,081 --> 01:28:28,085
are just ways of passing time
until you can make love again.

1548
01:29:40,287 --> 01:29:41,985
<i>They laugh at me aloud</i>

1549
01:29:42,159 --> 01:29:43,552
<i>They say I'm just a clown</i>

1550
01:29:43,726 --> 01:29:45,118
<i>That I ain't got no pride</i>

1551
01:29:45,292 --> 01:29:46,511
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1552
01:29:47,817 --> 01:29:49,122
<i>The girls look really cute</i>

1553
01:29:49,296 --> 01:29:50,602
<i>They really make it work</i>

1554
01:29:50,776 --> 01:29:52,169
<i>They think I'm just a jerk</i>

1555
01:29:52,343 --> 01:29:53,997
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1556
01:29:54,998 --> 01:29:56,129
<i>I never could sit still</i>

1557
01:29:56,303 --> 01:29:57,653
<i>I never was too hip</i>

1558
01:29:57,827 --> 01:29:59,568
<i>I never caught the ride</i>

1559
01:29:59,742 --> 01:30:02,440
<i>I'm on the outside
I'm on the outside</i>

1560
01:30:02,614 --> 01:30:04,964
<i>I'm on the outside now</i>

1561
01:30:05,138 --> 01:30:07,706
<i>This is where it all begins</i>

1562
01:30:09,404 --> 01:30:10,883
<i>Right here</i>

1563
01:30:11,057 --> 01:30:13,320
<i>On the outside looking in</i>

1564
01:30:14,539 --> 01:30:16,411
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1565
01:30:20,197 --> 01:30:21,851
<i>I never was a punk</i>

1566
01:30:22,025 --> 01:30:24,419
<i>I never shot junk
I never even tried</i>

1567
01:30:24,593 --> 01:30:26,290
<i>Counter culture
passed me right by</i>

1568
01:30:26,464 --> 01:30:27,552
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1569
01:30:27,726 --> 01:30:28,858
<i>Don't talk to debutantes</i>

1570
01:30:29,032 --> 01:30:30,294
<i>Don't eat in restaurants</i>

1571
01:30:30,468 --> 01:30:32,209
<i>The patrons sit and stare</i>

1572
01:30:32,383 --> 01:30:34,080
<i>The waiters make
wisecracks behind my back</i>

1573
01:30:34,951 --> 01:30:37,649
<i>The teachers there in school
They flunked me by the rule</i>

1574
01:30:37,823 --> 01:30:40,478
<i>They say I had no motivation
brains or dedication</i>

1575
01:30:40,652 --> 01:30:42,349
<i>I guess
the imbeciles were right</i>

1576
01:30:42,524 --> 01:30:43,481
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1577
01:30:43,655 --> 01:30:45,178
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1578
01:30:45,352 --> 01:30:47,572
<i>I'm on the outside now</i>

1579
01:30:47,746 --> 01:30:50,183
<i>This is where it all begins</i>

1580
01:30:50,880 --> 01:30:53,012
<i>On the outside looking in</i>

1581
01:30:54,057 --> 01:30:55,145
<i>Looking in</i>

1582
01:30:55,319 --> 01:30:56,886
<i>At you</i>

1583
01:30:57,060 --> 01:30:59,192
<i>Just an alien
through and through</i>

1584
01:31:00,063 --> 01:31:02,892
<i>Tryin' to make believe
I'm you</i>

1585
01:31:03,066 --> 01:31:04,937
<i>Tryin' to fit</i>

1586
01:31:05,416 --> 01:31:09,594
<i>Just a stranger
on the outside looking in</i>

1587
01:31:35,054 --> 01:31:36,186
<i>Disco makes me sick</i>

1588
01:31:36,360 --> 01:31:37,579
<i>I wear the wrong clothes</i>

1589
01:31:37,753 --> 01:31:39,581
<i>I say the wrong things</i>

1590
01:31:39,755 --> 01:31:41,104
<i>You know I can't dance
my feet are much too wide</i>

1591
01:31:41,278 --> 01:31:42,322
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1592
01:31:42,497 --> 01:31:43,976
<i>You think you set the trends</i>

1593
01:31:44,150 --> 01:31:45,674
<i>You wear your hair
just right</i>

1594
01:31:45,848 --> 01:31:47,327
<i>Your clothes are
out of sight</i>

1595
01:31:47,502 --> 01:31:49,286
<i>Your house
is modern early kitsch</i>

1596
01:31:49,460 --> 01:31:51,114
<i>You get so macho
when you're with your bitch</i>

1597
01:31:51,288 --> 01:31:53,856
<i>I see them go to work
I see them go to sleep</i>

1598
01:31:54,030 --> 01:31:55,335
<i>I see them on TV</i>

1599
01:31:55,510 --> 01:31:56,946
<i>I see them laugh and cry</i>

1600
01:31:57,120 --> 01:31:58,425
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1601
01:31:58,600 --> 01:31:59,775
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1602
01:31:59,949 --> 01:32:02,517
<i>I'm on the outside...</i>

1603
01:32:04,519 --> 01:32:05,607
<i>Now</i>

1604
01:32:05,781 --> 01:32:08,697
<i>This is where it all begins</i>

1605
01:32:08,871 --> 01:32:11,221
<i>On the outside looking in</i>

1606
01:32:11,917 --> 01:32:13,223
<i>Looking in</i>

1607
01:32:13,397 --> 01:32:14,311
<i>At you</i>

1608
01:32:15,268 --> 01:32:17,227
<i>Just an alien
through and through</i>

1609
01:32:18,141 --> 01:32:20,883
<i>Tryin' to make believe
I'm you</i>

1610
01:32:21,057 --> 01:32:22,232
<i>Tryin' to fit</i>

1611
01:32:23,233 --> 01:32:29,369
<i>Just a stranger
on the outside looking in</i>

1612
01:32:31,502 --> 01:32:33,330
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1613
01:32:34,374 --> 01:32:36,638
<i>I'm on the outside now</i>

1614
01:32:37,595 --> 01:32:39,249
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1615
01:32:40,555 --> 01:32:42,513
<i>I'm on the outside now</i>

1616
01:32:43,645 --> 01:32:45,342
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1617
01:32:46,648 --> 01:32:48,650
<i>I'm on the outside now</i>

1618
01:32:49,694 --> 01:32:51,478
<i>I'm on the outside</i>

1619
01:32:52,828 --> 01:32:54,917
<i>I'm on the outside now</i>